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I think I'm going to find myself in trouble as I try to manage two blogs, both about the Challenges in my life. This one really about my Challenges, those of the 30-day-at-a-time Variety. The other about life, mental health, motherhood. But both about my life and its daily, regular, struggle-filled challenges. 

So, what now? How do I go about combining the Blogs so that I'm only writing one? Yes, well. That is the problem. And for now, the solution is that I'm going to redirect all of my awesome, supportive, peruse-me-on-a-regular-basis readers to my Tumblr blog: If I'm Being Honest ...

I hope to see you there ...

It's On!

This family will be UN-inflamed in no time. 

Today's pantry and refrigerator "re-org" (as we call it in the non-profit world) is going to turn our kitchen into a Maya-friendly place. I give the boys until Sunday before they are begging me to go buy chips. 

I should start by telling you that one of my anti-snacking tips is that I only buy snacks the kids like that i DON'T so that I can't graze throughout the evening or on the weekends. Now, because I need to restock with anti-inflammation and gluten-free foods, my kitchen will be filled with EATS I love to eat. So now I'm going to have to find a new way to avoid snacking. :-/

Some of what's about to go down ...

• Trading Fruit-By-The-Foot for DRIED FRUIT
• Trading traditional pasta for QUINOA, QUINOA PASTA & WHOLE WHEAT PASTA
• Trading coffee for TEA
• Trading ice cream, cookies, candy for DARK CHOCOLATE
• Trading Fiber One & granola bars for HOMEMADE OATMEAL SNACK BARS
• Trading breads for WRAPS

 

...and Maya's personal nightmare ...

• Trading Homemade Cupcakes for HOMEMADE GLUTEN-FREE CUPCAKES

I am determined to make this easier on Maya than it feels like it will be at first glance. And, I'm determined to make yummy foods that make her feel better and, if I do it right, have NO ONE missing the old food. 

I will be sure to share recipes I've made and the kiddo reviews on them. 

Please RECIPROCATE. 

Anti-Inflammatory Meal Planning Creates Inflammatory Reaction

You'd think I'd told the kids they would be eating cardboard for meals. Yeezus Christ. 

So, my research of Anti-Inflammatory Eating has turned up a lot of great suggestions. And a lot of CRAP. 

WebMD.com and May0Clinic.com - which have become my new bible over the last couple of weeks as we sift through the trudges of learning about my 9-year-old's new health issues - have the best resources. Actually, what I like about both is that they link to other great resources instead of re-creating things they don't already own. I like the little people getting the credit. In any case, according to both, everyone in my house will benefit as we begin this new diet. Most notably, my body-image conscious high schoolers will benefit from the lower-case 'd' "diet" as though it's a Capital-D "Diet." 

Most of what I've found likens this to a cross of the Mediterranean Diet (great!) and eating Gluten-Free (...okay!). What does that mean? Oh, you know, eating really similarly to how we eat now, and changing a few of the items to a gluten-free version. I wish I had video-taped the reactions of the kids, tho. Actually, what I wish is that I had just changed the food in the house and the meals that I cook without saying anything because no one would have noticed. And anything that didn't taste good I could have tried to excuse as bad cooking technique. 

But the jig is up now. And I'm committed. I've tried to explain it as they will see a rise in energy, a decrease in body mass, lean muscle, lower fat. Probably see the scale move downward. These are all their goals already. And mine too, true enough, but I don't need convincing -- I'm on board. 

So, the food supply at the house and the meals we make as family will be a full-blown following of the Anti-Inflammatory Diet. I want to be sure that Maya can eat meals and snack freely without having to think too hard about it. This whole thing has been hard enough, scary enough, confusing enough, emotional enough, that I'd like to make her lifestyle change as trauma-free as possible. 

Now, does that mean no one can ever eat anything outside of this plan - ever?? Of course not. I'm just not footing the bill. Yup, that's how I parent. 

What the boys buy with their money to stock the pantry with, is up to them and their bank accounts.  What they eat when they are at school, a restaurant, with friends, with their girlfriends or when they take their own selves to the store is all good. 

There just won't be anything on supply from my wallet that doesn't meet the Anit-Inflammation criteria. 
They will appreciate it, they will eat it, and they will like it! <-- Did those threats ever work in parenting? My kids just roll their eyes and "guh-nore" me, as Kira says. 

So this mostly means eating whole food, no processed grains, no wheat, no sugar. Basically, it's eating healthy. What? CURSES!!!

If you're interested in following along, or trying it yourself, here is the best all-in-one-place guide I've found: Anti-Inflammation Food Pyramid & Guide

Okay, off to prepare tonight's meal of cardboard and chalk. *eye roll*

UnChallenged - or is it HyperChalleneged?

This has been a particularly CHALLENGED time in my life. There are days where I feel the hits just keep coming. There are days where I feel the ultimate relief has come along. In either case - in both cases - I'm certain of one thing: I am in need of a reset. 

To that, I have decided one week into this month's Challenge, that I need to stop and reboot. I'm in a life-place that requires a little more introspection before moving forward. It isn't the right time for me to "not eat out," "only wear 10 items of clothing the whole month," or "job 10 miles every day before the sun rises." Tongue-in-cheek a little of myself there, but the truth is I need a little bit more basic level Challenge. 

Since Memorial Day weekend, I have been in an almost-constant state of emotional taxation. There have been work issues, relationship issues, family issues, mental issues, health issues, children's health issues, issues with my friends and their lives ... it seems that just as I'm rounding the bend on one, the next is upon me. I have felt at my breaking point at a couple of key moments, but I know in all truth that I am stronger than that. I won't break. But in order not to drag myself through dirt and strife and turmoil, especially unnecessarily so, I must reset. So ... 

For the rest of this month, my Challenge is to put checks next to each item on my RestMyLife To-Do List.

• Find and hire a financial manager so that I can begin to make some financial  plans (home ownership, big-girl traveling and teenage automobile purchases);
• Begin our family on an anti-inflammatory diet to improve the health of my middle child given her recent health concerns;
• Set some goals for myself for the next year and determine what I need to do to get there and then get to gettin';
• Figure out where we are going to be living when this lease is up in the next couple of months and then get that all in order; 

Etc., but you get the point. 

Now, where is my pencil ...

In a Surprising Twist

Yes - first day on food and I've already made and begun checking things off the solid-food-list. 

• Eggs?             

                           Check!        Onion-Spinach-Cheese Omelet for breakfast. 

• Peanut Butter?            

                           Check!        Chocolate Whey-Peanut Butter-Almond Milk Smoothie for lunch.

So, yes, my cleanse is over. I wish I could say I'm excited, but mostly I'm proud of the accomplishment, looking forward to certain foods and anxious-as-shit about what's next.

I really enjoyed the cleanse. In fact, I lost 10 pounds of - well, of crap probably. I can tell the difference and it feels good. On the other hand, there is a list  of foods I can't wait to eat. 

I have noticed that what I want to eat is surprising. 

• More and More Veggies
• Tuna, Salmon
• Eggs, Tofu
• Goat Cheese 
• Dark Chocolate
• Greek yogurt
• Grilled Pork Chops, Chicken

And what I actively DON'T want to eat is, too. 

• My morning coffee doesn't sound appealing. Maybe because when I tried to stray from the cleanse and have some last week, it didn't taste good and I'm scared to lift the veil of my coffee-addiction and discover that I don't like it any more. Poor income levels of The Coffee Cup, Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf and Starbucks. :(
• Fried Chicken, nope. 
• Pizza, nope. 
• Soda, nope. 
• Sandwiches, nope.

Thought I'd really miss some of those, but ... NOPE. 

I really like being cleansed of all the yuck that I was feeding my body. I also feel like 10 days isn't enough to have really created a habit in myself so there is some real fear of being free to eat whatever I want, instead of what I need. To ease back in and to keep up with the clarity-of-mind and cleansed-body feelings I have loved this past 10 days, I've decided on a modified cleanse for the rest of the month. I'll reevaluate as August is approaching; until then it's:

• Morning Juice
• Mid-morning Protein drink
• Salad for lunch
• Afternoon Juice
• Protein & Veggie dinner 

I'm going to stay away from refined sugar and simple carbs for now. I'm going to stay with as much raw, whole and natural foods (i.e. no condiments, no soda, no preservatives). I may dabble in some no-to-low gluten menu-ing, even. [See upcloseandedible.blogspot.com]

Mostly I know I feel good and I don't want that feeling to end. 

I will say, tho, that Day Ten could not have come sooner. Days Eight & Nine were a real trial of my will power. I wanted all the crap I could see in front of me, even tho I knew I didn't want it. For some reason, having not craved or missed those foods for a full week, the two days of 8 & 9 were hard. I longed for a piece of my kids' pizza one night, and wanted to bury my face in their bowls of cereal one morning. Day Ten was cake, tho. 

Cake as in EASY, not cake as in longed-for-food. Clarification is important because I made a scratch-cake yesterday and it could seem confusing. Just Saying. 

But yesterday was easy. It was as if I knew that it was ending in less-than-twenty-four-hours, so it was smooth-going. Or maybe because I slept away an approaching illness so there wasn't much time in the day that I had to invoke my willpower. 

Being on Day One of my non-cleanse, and looking back, I have a different conclusion. 

Those days were hard because I'm good at sabotage. 

I'm good at seeing the upcoming success as "impending," instead of "approaching." 

And that speaks volumes, doesn't it?

Yes, it does.

My July Challenge was really supposed to be focused on learning ASL with the kids, but maaaaaaaan, July 4th's start of this Cleanse really took over. 

To me the 

obvious 

reason is 

my fight 

with health 

and food 

is big. 

My relationship 

with what to eat, 

when and why, 

is only in Round 5 

despite having been 

in The Ring 

for 23 years. 

I associate the wrong things with why to eat. 

I eat the wrong amounts, not enough, too much, nothing at all. 

I don't see food as fuel, but as comfort, medicine and solution. 

It's a realization I've made already in the past 19 months of Challenges, however I'm still coming around on it. Clearly. 

I really hope to still be enjoying a 2-Juice+1-Protein-Drink+2-Meal diet when I'm reading through old posts in a few months, but I also hope that if I'm not - if I've fallen back to bad habits - my best friends, my loved ones, my readers, my supporters say

"STOP. You are an addict and you have fallen off the wagon." 

If you're reading this thinking "Yep, that's me. I will be happy to, but ... " please know that if I have a snippy reaction, it's because you are right. And I know it. And despite needing to hear it, and knowing I need to hear it, I don't want to hear it. Because I want to be left alone to sabotage. 

But that doesn't mean you shouldn't put me in my place.  

I am an addict. 

Phew - that is not easy to say. Not easy to admit. 

I'm not sure if I've ever expressed it in that way before. 

But I see it that way quite clearly today. 

I've known for awhile now that my relationship with food is unhealthy. 

I think I've tried to fool myself into thinking it's not that bad because "I eat more veggies than this person," "I don't eat all day long like that person." "My weight is in the 200s, not 300s." "I'm not a big fan of breads and rices, which aren't that good for you anyway."

But that doesn't mean I'm not an addict. 

That doesn't mean my relationship with food is healthy. 

I learned early on in my life to celebrate success with treats of desserts, snacks, food, meals, special restaurants, favorite haunts. I learned to associate having a bad day with needing to feed my emotions literally, instead of with exercise, communication, pedicures, some open air. And while I don't, in fact, eat as badly as many many people, I don't eat the way 

my body 

needs me to. 

I am a mother of 4 children. 

Children who want me to be alive when they're adults. 

Children who want me to be alive next year, for that matter. 

Children who want me to be at their recitals, sporting events, high school graduations, birthday parties, children's births, weddings ... 

You get the point. 

The reality is that is at risk. I'm fat. I'm overweight. And it isn't healthy. I want to be around for all those things in my children's lives. I want to be around to cuddle my grandchildren and great-grandchildren. 

I have lost my father and father's mother to heart disease - both at too-young ages. I have nearly lost my mother's mother to heart disease. I have genetics that predispose me to blood pressure, cholesterol and heart diseases. I have to care in a different way. 

I turned 36 this year. 3 weeks ago, actually. I would like to turn 46. In fact, I would like to turn 76. 86. Maybe even 96 - if my quality-of-life is still measurably strong. 

To do so, I have to get clean. 

I have to get into recovery. 

So for me, as a food-addict, recovery is a clear picture. 

RECOVERY. 

wow

Funny that all my years of staying away from hard-drugs, curbing my drinking and smoking and whatever other substances and behaviors I needed to stay clear of because I was so afraid of being addicted to something, it happened anyway. Just to something I wasn't looking out for. 

So, RECOVERY. 

That means recognizing why I'm putting what into my body. 

That means not putting a lot of what I used to in. 

That means celebrating success with things completely unrelated to food. 

That means comforting my sadness or hard days with things completely unrelated to food. 

That means being confronted by my friends-family when I'm not. 

That means knowing that they are trying to keep me clean - like telling an alcoholic not to order that drink. 

That means embracing the support, not avoiding it. 

===========================================

Hi, my name is Cat and 

I

am 

an 

addict. 

A food-to-feed-emotion addict, to be exact. 

And I'm 10-days clean. 

===========================================

I Can See Clearly Now, the Cleanse is On

In my previous post I was talking about this incredible clarity that I've been experiencing and, honestly, its just getting clearer. I can feel the detoxing and cleansing happening and the effect on my mind and thinking is impressive. This sounds ridiculous to ME even as I'm writing it, but I genuinely feel like I'm seeing some things with fresh eyes. 

The more I'm reading and researching and discussing with others, I'm recognizing that my body craves whatever it's used to getting.  This could mean that whether your body is used to whole wheat toast and peanut butter, creamy soups, sodas, burgers, fried chicken or salads, it will crave what it's used to. So know what you're putting in there, folks. And I can say with total honesty, that I didn't know and I'm scared by what I'm knowing now.

It isn't that I ate horribly to start with, but I am now understanding that I wasn't eating well for my body. I definitely drank coffee with dairy milk every morning, and sometimes again in the afternoon. I had soda a few times a week, a weekly burger ... the list goes on. And I didn't think I felt badly; I certainly didn't feel bad enough to notice it, I guess. 

Then along comes my 15-year-old, wanting to try this juice cleanse he read about at The Juice Bar in Austin. In a show of solidarity, I decide to do it too. He quit after the first day (in fact, as soon as the clock struck midnight, he ate) and here I am. Day Six complete. 

So what has it done for me that I'm suddenly so awakened to? It's cleared my body of toxins, chemicals, addictive substances like sugar and caffeine, and - most of all - bad habits. What I thought might feel like deprivation has become my preferred way now. Let me give you a couple of shocking-to-me examples:

1. I was wanting to taste a vanilla latte so I decided to get myself a half-caf vanilla latte on the way to work. First sip down, I knew I wasn't going to be able to drink it. I tried a couple more sips along the way, but not only did it not taste good, it didn't feel good IMMEDIATELY. I had a kind detox from caffeine because of this cleanse and it may be that I never return to the coffee-a-day start to each morning. 

2. I could smell the yummy goodness coming from the fresh baked cookies - mind you warm chocolate chip cookies are probably my favorite sweet - so I took a tiny piece. I'm pretty sure that no cookie I've eaten has ever tasted so bad. What the hell?!?!

And on the other side of the coin ...

3. I unexpectedly like, crave even, some things I have never slightly enjoyed before. What, you ask? Oh, let me give you sample list:

• Beets - I can't get over this one. I've tried beets on a handful of occasions and NEVER liked them - even a little. Now I have them at least once a day - in a juice and/or on their own. They are one of my favorite things.     [[I'm SO CONFUSED!]]
• Sweet Potatoes - never been a fan. So yummy now. 
• Red Cabbage
• Ginger - still only into it in my juice, but the flavor is now something I find refreshing instead of off-putting.
• Kale - My mom has tried her best to get me to like this green. It was easily my least favorite. Now: Loving it! 

I'm eager to see what it's like when I "can" eat food. Will I still keep these realizations in the forefront of my mind? Will I stay cognizant and present? Will I make the better choices for my body and mind? Will I return to liking the tastes of things I know I shouldn't eat and my body doesn't really want? Will I treat myself to some luxury, like ice cream, and discover I no longer have the taste for it? 

I know for sure that I will spend some time over the next 4 days planning some good menus. And I'm no longer allowed the excuse of time because all week I've been making 5 juices a day - not an easy task - and cooking meals for the kids. I also want to read up on gluten free, dairy free, low glycemic, refined-sugar free, simple-carb free recipes and food choices. 

I'm especially excited to try many of the recipes posted on my friend Emily's blog,  Up Close and Edible (upcloseandedible.blogspot.com)

Well ... I've just finished talking crap to one of my besties about going to sleep so she can meet me at the gym at the crack-ass of dawn, so I better take my happy butt to sleep, too. 

Happy eating, people. 

I'm Down Which Lifts Me Up

Have you ever FELT thinner? It has to be a thing since I hear people say all the time that they feel fat. You know, the bloated, swollen, heavy, can't-button-your-baggy-pants feeling? So feeling thin should be real, too, right? For me, it is a real thing. 

I didn't exactly wake up feeling THIN, but I woke up feeling THINNER. I checked that feeling against the harsh reality of my bathroom scale and found that, yes, in fact, on the morning of Day Five of my Juice Cleanse, I am down 5.5 pounds. But I feel triple that physically. Wearing jeans today that usually leave marks on my belly from being tight; today they are slightly loose. Loving that - it's just such great motivation for me to keep going. 

But it also begs the question "What took you so long?" As many overweight people will say. And say. And say. I have tried all sorts of things. And some of them felt good, made sense, felt right. But this one CLICKS for me. I truly think that has more to do with the way I feel physically and emotionally than the weight loss, but as I've said in another couple of posts this month, the weight loss is not a bad side effect.

BAM!

Or, as one would say in Sign Language: 

"EXCITED!" 

However, as my children have explained to me, I look like I'm fluffing or rubbing my boobs. I guess that is a good reason to be "Excited." Maybe that's where the sign originated? Nope - just checked - the sign originates from "The feelings are being stirred."

Speaking of Sign Language (ASL), the kids have learned a couple of cool phrases during our ASL "lessons." Some our incredibly useful, some not so much. Here is video of some of them; see if you can figure out which is which.

 "My dad makes deep friend peanut butter and jelly sandwiches."

 "My mom is the BEST."

"Where is the bathroom?"

"Chocolate is my favorite."

"Where is the archery contest?"

Yup, you guessed it. All of them except #2 are really unnecessary! :)

Okay ... off to make a super-yummy Kale-Spinach-Orange Juice. Mmm. 

Say What?? I'm Not Hungry!!

It's Day Four of my cleanse and I had to make myself drink a 4th juice,  and as of when I'm writing this,  I'm not even a little hungry for the 5th one.  I ate an avocado as my one solid "meal." I'm not even sure of what to say about that.  Seems like,  even if my stomach is shrinking,  I should be hungrier than 4 juice and an avocado.  Right?

What else?  Last night I went out to belatedly celebrate my birthday with one of my besties and I decided that I would have a meal.  And a drink.  But I did do it in moderation:

We went to eat at one of my favorite gluttonous restaurants,  Texas Roadhouse. Instead of a steak and loaded makes potatoes and 3 rolls with cinnamon butter and soda,  I ordered a grilled pork chop with steamed veggies (no butter) and a sweet potato with cinnamon (No marshmallows or sugar). And despite wanting a big fat drink,  I had a skinny margarita. I made myself finish the pork chop to get as much protein in my body as possible.  But i couldn't finish the veggies or sweet potato. That was a new one for me. 

And this was an hour after my first without is a week. 

Again,  no words.  But I feel good. I feel healthy and clear. I feel satisfied.  I feel happy and motivated.  So, for the time being, I'm good to keep trucking to the Day Ten finish line. 

Oh, and another fortunate and lovely side effect has been the almost complete lack of caffeine withdrawal I've experienced.  The afternoon of Day One was painful and i eventually succumbed to the pain and had half of a Tall Drip late in the afternoon. I finished that coffee mid-morning on Day Two and haven't been in the slightest pain since.  If I'm withdrawing without the horrible pain,  sweats,  shakes and nausea, I'm sold. And everyone else should be too.

Now,  oddly enough,  the first hard test will come tomorrow,  Day Five.  I have to go to work and that means getting up tomorrow,  and each day next week,  and making 4 of my 5 juices all at once,  and taking 3 of them with me to drink throughout the day.  It will be a Challenge both to make all of my juices at one,  and to do no snacking,  no quick runs across the street to the convenience store. But I'm up for it.  In fact,  maybe making the juice to start the morning will push me to get thru the day easily.

Also tomorrow is my second gym trip since starting the juice cleanse.  Yesterday's was trying on my muscles,  lacking as much protein as I'm used to,  and having not been to the gym in a week.  So I'm eager to see if tomorrow's workout is any easier on my body,  or not. 

I'm pretty proud of myself for sticking this out for even just these first four days,  because it isn't easy.  It hasn't been easy to grocery shop for the four kids when I'm not eating any of it.  It's been a little difficult to cook meals too,  since I'm not eating them.  But not feeling miserable or desperate to quit is nice. WANTING to keep going is a proud feeling. 

Now I want to go to sleep. And I'm mm going to concede to that too. My bed is calling me.

Goodnight.

How Do You Say "Cleanse" in ASL?

I'm definitely enjoying learning another language. And one that can be used for lots of purposes - good and evil. For example, being able to speak to the parents of my daughter's friends; especially one of the friends who my daughter desperately wants to come over. It will be nice to be able to make play-date arrangements with her. Also, on the other side of the coin, it will be nice to be able to talk about people who are right in front of me without them knowing (Ladies: Think Nail Salon). 

That's okay, right? 

Interestingly, tho, the challenge that's exciting me more is this Juice Cleanse. I can feel the difference in my body already. I can tell I'm detoxing, my body is clearer, my skin is clearer; I feel clearer in my mind even. And for some reason, I'm not hungry like I thought I would be. It's actually been really energizing and I don't feel deprived at all. 

But the bacon that my kids are cooking and eating right now is KILLING me slowly. But ... even not having the bacon isn't making me feel deprived. And the thought of loading my body right now with all the chemicals and nitrates that bacon is filled with is not appealing. Maybe I can find myself a healthier version? Does Whole Foods sell nitrate-free bacon? 

So, if anyone else is considering a Juice Cleanse, let me tell you what I'm using. I'm combining the 3-day Dr. Oz Juice Cleanse with the 1/3/5/10 day Juice Cleanse from The Juice Bar Austin. You can download both online by Googling Dr. Oz's and pulling the pdf of The Juice Bar's from their Facebook page. I'm having 5 juices a day by choosing any 5 from the two menus and drinking them 2-3 hours apart, based on when I'm hungry. Between each juice I'm drinking a liter or so of water. I'm allowing myself one meal mid afternoon solely made of fruits and/or vegetables. For example, I'll eat a salad of only whole vegetables or a bowl of raw veggies and fruits (avocado, tomato, cucumber, beets, mango). 

What I have found makes my day and body feel balanced is a combo like:
1 Morning/Reds Juice like Apple-Carrot-Ginger
1 Detox Juice like Purified H2O-Cayenne-Lime-Honey
1 Protein Juice like Almond Milk-Vanilla Whey
1 Hydrate Juice like Coconut H2O-Grapefruit-Orange-Honey
1 CarbLoaded Juice like SweetPotato-Carrot-BellPepper-Beet-Apple-Orange

This is just a sample menu, of course, but for me the idea is some protein, some carb, some hydration, some detox each day. There are come really good juices that mix Pear and Celery and Kale/Spinach/Chard. That probably sounds incredibly counter-intuitive - it must because feels counter-intuitive to write it - but it really is good. 

And bonus to feeling good physically and mentally, I've lost 4 pounds. Not gonna complain about that. 

Oh, and for all the MeatLovers, like me, in my research, which I HiGhLyHiGhLy recommend if you want to do a cleanse longer than 1 day, I read things like "The intestines store as much as 5 pounds of undigested red meat" and "a liver cleanse can eliminate over a year's worth of toxins from the body." WhaTheWhat?!?! 

Coming at an interesting time, last night I taught a class on Good & Focus as 2 of the 8 keys to success to a Gateway group at work. I decided to guide them through Goo & Focus by teaching some skills on Goal Setting. I realized that I needed to rehear some of it myself and what coincidentally good timing to remind myself that MOTIVATION is a huge key to successful goal achievement. Feeling good about what I'm doing is great Motivation when I'm having a rae moment of wanting to bury my face in a Bucket of Bacon. Since WRITING and making VISIBLE your goals are 2 of the other 5 Keys of Successful Goal Setting (and Achieving), I did - as promised to last night's class - go home and post my goal where I could see it. And although that LONG TERM GOAL is much bigger than I can achieve on my own or in a short few days or weeks, the SHORT TERM step GOALS are all very related to this month - the cleanse, learning ASL, getting mentally and physically clear and clean.

How wonderfully karmic of the world to bring those things together unexpectedly for me. 

ASL Beginners Have to Eat, Too

Really wishing I had a close friend whose first language was ASL or who was, at the very least, fluent in ASL. I know from so much experience with other languages that immersion is my best learning method. Luckily I have my kids as partners in this because they really want to learn too, but really this is the blind leading the blind. What I really need is the Deaf leading the Blind.   No? 

So, first of all, as resources, I love SigningSavvy.com and the book Joy of Signing. SigningSavvy.com not only gives it's user background on the language, it gives a "translation" which I love. Just like Google Translate, you put in what you want to say and it shows you how. It also gives you the explanation of each sign, which makes learning so much easier. On that note, that's exactly why I love Joy of Signing. Every sign's origin is explained making it so much more memorable for me. 

The kids and I have started by picking out words we want to know how to say. Then sentences that might be fun. Then moved on to categories (which is how Joy of Signing is separated out).

First few signs we are digging:

Peanut Butter

Cereal

Bacon

If you know my family, you know that starting with foods, especially BREAKFAST FOODS, is no surprise at all.  We have learned toast, butter, sandwich, eggs, apple, pear, milk, banana ... 

Well, you get the point. 

I plan, er HOPE, we get to a point where we can prep, make and eat an entire meal using ASL this month! 

Lots to Say ... But Let's Start Here.

One Step at a Time. 
One Day at a Time. 

So, hello my friends. 

It's been awhile, but it isn't that I haven't been Challenging. I just haven't been writing. 

Because life has been kinda rough lately and documenting the hard, the sad, the pain, the heartache is just too much for me. 

But I'm back. Tomorrow is the start of July, the 2nd half of the year. A big month in the life of my kids, a big month at work, a big month. And I need to tackle it with serious gusto. 

So, to start myself back into the groove of writing, I've chosen a great July Challenge that I think will lend itself to writing easily:

LEARN AMERICAN SIGN LANGUAGE

Using an ASL book that I have, my kids and I are going to learn the language. It's helps that both of the girls have taken/take Sign Language in school and have friends who sign because their parents and/or siblings are deaf. I'm really excited to learn it. 

Also, my son and I are going to try a 10-day juice cleanse starting this weekend - mostly because I have to gather the recipes and do the shopping and today I'm choosing to be necessarily lazy. 

As I said, I have a lot to say, but I just needed to get my feet wet and get back into writing. 

Obsessive Some Days, Compulsive Others.

Today it's compulsive.

And right on schedule. 

March Challenges have a theme: How to Knock Out OCD in 31 Days. 

Now, If I pull this off, therapists around the world can pay me for tips to help their clients. I've decided to attack my neurosis head on this month because, well, what better time to than now? So, in March it's:

(1) Stop biting & picking at my finger nails and cuticles, and 

(2) Lose 10 pounds.

I have a thing about my anxiety and my compulsive & obsessive tendencies - they are a motor inside of me and I cannot control them. I try to ignore them most of the time, but when I am stressed, overwhelmed and/or emotional, I lose control of it. Those tendencies also worsen for me under extremes of emotion, stress and stress. They are part of my coping mechanism and they make me feel crazy.

I have come to recognize that instead of ignoring them, I should tackle them. So here is what's up:

I tend to pick at the skin on my finger tips, my cuticles and my nails. I pick more when I'm stressed or anxious. It's compulsive - I don't even recognize that I'm doing it. That is until I've picked one layer too far and drawn blood or made my skin raw. It's horrible. And painful. And ugly. And because it's something I do un/subconsciously, I want to try to recognize it and see the triggers and get them under control.

The weight loss is a little different. I mean, it's a clear and straight forward desire to lose weight. BUt the goal comes from my throwing around a lot fo diet and exercise goals that I could do and deciding against everyone of them because I can't do them perfectly. The obsessive side of OCD causes me to do nothing if I can't do it perfectly, all the way, best, 100%. As I considered each potential Challenge, I knew they would be something I would struggle with. And so I've continually done nothing because I'm paralyzed by this need to do it perfectly.

I decided that I would try a broader goal of losing 10 pounds. How I get there is not the focus, and therefore there isn't anything to obsess over. I just have to get to goal. I feel much better about it and I think it will help me launch a more specific goal around it in April.

I realize I didn't write anything down on March 1 as a starting point, including that I didn't put up any numbers of pictures. But I have made so much progress on both. SO MUCH. I'm very proud of my progress actually, which is why I decided to find the 10 minutes to get on the computer and write.

Goal #1: STOP BITING & PICKING AT MY FINGER NAILS AND CUTICLES:

LEFT HAND - 

notice good growth (there was NONE at the beginning of the month) 

and only minor picking at the skin.

RGHT HAND - 

notice good growth, worse picking

especially on the thumb

But trust me when I say that this is good progress. 

Goal #2: LOSE 10 POUNDS. 

It's the 10th and I've already lost 6 of the 10 pounds I set the goal for. I'm hoping this means that I will blow the goal out of the water!!!!

So, yes, emotional, exhausting, a little crazy0feeling. But good. Good progress, good being aware. Good is good. 

Breakfast - CHECK. Lunch - CHECK. Meditation - notsomuch

This was probably the easiest and hardest Challenge for me. I guess since it's the 24th of the the month, I probably shouldn't start talking about it completely in the past tense, BUUUUUUUUUUT ... there are only 4 days left in the month and I have definitely kicked ass and mastered one of the TWO Challenges I set up, and the other kicked my ass and mastered me. 

This month was the first double Challenge and I selected (1) to eat breakfast & lunch every day and (2) to practice 30 minutes of meditation daily. Probably fair to note that about 36 hours in I moved the 30 minutes down to 15 in hopes of being able to meet the Challenge. In the end, I've eaten breakfast and lunch EVERY SINGLE DAY of the month  - very proud of myself for that; and I haven't done a single formal minute of meditation. I did have a lot of quiet times or alone times where I tried to clear my head, but the truth is I was never really putting myself in the right environment to truly be meditating. It was never a purposeful thing. 

I'm not sure if part of the struggle was having two Challenges going at the same time, or if the struggle was specifically with the Challenge of meditation - or more importantly - taking 15-30 minutes to myself with nothing else going on. I'm really bad at that, and I've been really bad at that for years. I can often find myself as much as an hour of alone time (and by "alone" I mean the kids are asleep) - but it's often hard to find quiet personal time versus time where I'm folding laundry, cleaning up, vegging out to turn my mind off. I rarely find quiet, solo time where there are no responsibilities ... and where I am awake. 

The "where I'm awake" is probably the biggest problem I'm having these days. I've been working stooopid long hours and am so tired at the end of the day that I'm crashed out before I can even make the quiet time with which to meditate. Right now, I'm contemplating trying this Challenge again in March. This wasn't just hard for me, I really didn't even figure out how to wrap my head around the Challenge. 

One of the things that was different about this months Challenges was that BOTH of them came from other people suggesting that I should do those things for myself because I'm bad at taking care of myself. Bad at eating enough, sleeping enough and taking enough time for myself to refresh. 

Again, not sure if maybe part of why I struggled was that both of the Challenges were about taking care of myself. And since I'm so bad at that, maybe having two going simultaneously was just too much. Maybe I needed to ease into self-care a bit more. Maybe it was the having two in general. Maybe it was what the two were. I don't know WHAT the issue is, but I obviously didn't master this one. 

As proud as I am for flawlessly eating breakfast & lunch and actually giving my body regular nutrition, in some ways, I might be more appreciative of the one I'm failing miserably at because it's showing me a real weakness in my self these days. I know for sure one of the two Challenges for March - focused around exercise which I definitely need to get back into the regular habit of - but now I need to figure out what it is I need for my second. Should I restart the meditation/self-care? Should I make it around spending? Should it be about better sleeping habits? Should I try something one of my co-workers is doing and feed my family from a food budget equivalent to food stamps ($31.50/person/week)? Should it be about fun or being outdoors? 

I need to think about that - and in the meantime, I need to go get lunch planned out. 

And Despite It All, Still I Struggle

The problem, you see, is that I absolutely canNOT figure out how to be good to myself. 

Even more so, I really can't answer the inevitable follow up question of "Why?"

                  But ... 

                         as I always say: "If I'm being honest ... "

today is just as good a day as any to try to figure that out ...

WARNING!!!! 

This will likely become a trip into the dark corners of my mind.

The problem that I'm currently pondering -- okay, yes, I said I'd be honest. Let's start over. 

The problem that I'm currently obsessively over-analyzing:  

[[How can I be so painfully self-aware that I am remarkably skilled at identifying my "areas of growth" and yet equally remarkably bad at knowing how to solve them? 

And, PART II: How is it that for those issues that I have been able to figure out the solution to, I find myself impressively incapable of following the solution through to self-improvement?]]

It genuinely bothers me, this fact about myself. If any one of my friends, a family members, my children, my co-workers or staff, or even some random unknown who is reading this, were to bring to me an area of their life with which they were unhappy, dissatisfied and wanting to improve, I would be 

"amazing" to them.

"so smart, thanks."

"helpful."

"appreciated."

And that would feel great. It would give me a nice little boost. It is accurate to say that I am skilled at reserving judgement, listening past the words and seeing the root issue. I can quickly reflect what has been said to me back to the person, having shaved off the top-layer, publicly-presented piece and spit out all sorts of "that's just they way you exhibit behaviors - maybe the real problem is ..." 

In fact, I can do that for myself too, often. Not always, but often. At the very least, I can absolutely tell you when something is just my presentation and no the real issue. What I often struggle with is identifying for myself what the underlying issue is. Some examples? Sure, I have dozens.

I do not take care of myself - at the most basic levels of sleep, eat, sweat. 

I don't take alone time for myself.

I work too many hours. 

I don't delegate tasks or ask for help. 

That probably deserves double mention: 

I DON'T ASK FOR HELP.

I give to others, even when I know I don't have any to spare.

I make goals - even completely attainable goals - that I don't meet. 

I don't have a well-balanced diet. 

I don't work out - even tho I LOVE to sweat and get exercise. 

I'll stop there, but it should be noted: that list took me less than 2 minutes to spout out and was absolutely NO stretch to my mind to come up with. Imagine what  could do given a little thought and 6 minutes!!

But the pattern I've really come to recognize - and have highlighted to myself over many of these 30 Day Challenges - is that I have a really hard time finishing things. This is an across-the-board issue. I have a hard time finishing things that are HARD for me and that are stretching me. I have a hard time finishing things that are EASY for me too. I have a hard time following pretty much anything that will make me better, help me, make life easier, make me healthier all the way thru. 

• I struggled with the May2012 Challenge of spending on necessary things only. This was a definite stretch for me because I like to shop or go out to eat, especially when I'm tired or emotional. And even tho I knew I wasn't missing out on much by not spending excess cash, I felt the need to spend. 
• I struggled with the August2012 Challenge of P90x daily. This one was easy because I'd already been doing it for 6 weeks, but suddenly, once it was in the front of my mind and a goal was attached, I fell off. 
• I struggled to finish the January2013 Challenge of no cell phone use. That one was really easy for me, but I still had a hard time finishing. I really REALLY loved not having it, yet once I broke the seal and had to have it around for work, I started to struggle to stay off it. 

But even outside of the Challenges - when I want to change something about myself, when I see something that I need to change even if I'm not dying to change it - I find struggles. 

I spend money on things like it's habit even after I've resolved to myself to put money away. 

I get take-out for dinner for the family even after I've done a big Costco trip and the house is loaded with food so that we won't need to eat out. 

I see my reflection in a window and don't like what I see, know I should hit the gym, 

even WANT to go workout because I love dripping sweat.

I like the feeling I get knowing I'm working hard.

I like the exhaustion from a good self-imposed ass-kicking. But then I don't go. 

 I'm holding my eyes open with toothpicks at 6:30pm because I've been up since 4:30am. 

But then I lay around on phone apps, TV, household chores, etc. until midnight. 

And the next morning at 4:30, I'm pissed at myself. 

As I drag-ass out of bed, I resolve "tonight I'll go to bed early."Do I? Nope.

And you can just copy & paste that whole scenario to the next day because I do it again. 

And copy & paste it again. And keep doing that until a day (like I had this past week) 

where I cannot physically stay awake and am passed out in bed by 7:00pm like an old lady. 

As I'm driving into work in the morning, myself how much I like to write. 

I think about that travel journal from Fall 2011 that I wanted to turn into a book.

I think about the short stories I want to write. 

But by the time I'm home that evening, I've forgotten/lost the motivation.

I feel a nagging to read more because I love it when I'm reading.

I read voraciously. I buy books and ebooks because I'm loving it so much. 

And then I don't pick a book up for weeks or months. 

But I want to. And I know I want to. 

And there it is. THE QUESTION. 

The pattern above is that I want to. I genuinely WANT to. I also know I need to. And then I don't. Or I do, but I stop. I don't finish. I want to be smarter about eating. I want to find myself in the gym or doing P90X. I want to sleep more. I want to work less. I want to keep my car clean. I want to steam the carpets. I want to frame and hang the new pictures I've printed. I want to make my lunches the night before. I want to bake more. Cook more. 

And then I don't do it. And I'm annoyed with myself. I'm bothered. I get frustrated or down on myself. I hate those things about me. Or at least I hate that I can't follow through. That I don't do everything that I can to get better, be better. 

And maybe part of what bothers me so much about this is I don't do this in EVERY facet of my life. Just where I want to personally improve or enhance. Where I want to make personal growth or betterment. In areas that I know will make me happier, healthier. 

Because I'm absolutely great at making professional growth goals. At making personal goals that involve my kids or family. I make those regularly. I meet them all the time. I work at getting better, doing better at work. I meet all sorts of deadlines, goals, deliverables, measurables, etc., etc. and on and on. I excel at work. I'm certainly significantly farther into my career than many people my age. 

But I'm significantly farther behind in my personal life. 

And despite it being something I think about - 

something I over analyze -

something I obsess over - 

something I want to do better - 

something I know I need. 

Despite Writing about it now, in the past, or again in the future. 

Despite ALL OF THAT, I still struggle. 

I struggle to understand why I can't follow through. 

Why I can't meet these goals. 

Why I allow myself not to be my best. 

WHY. 

Obviously, I don't know why or I wouldn't be asking the question. I can say that when I know the why, I'm a great problem-solver and it's clearly time for me to be my own problem-solver. 

It's time to give myself the same service I've given others - even when I knew I wasn't giving it to myself. 

So, so what, I don't know why. But I'm going to find out. 

So, I don't have the answer. I haven't been able to identify the root. 

But I will.  It's time to pull out my shovel and start digging. 

Self-Care is Not My Biggest Strength

Despite my lack of entries, I'm fully aware it's February. 

January didn't finish with quite the BANG that I had hoped for, but for someone who lives with her phone attached to her person, I think I did pretty well. It definitely made its way out of hiding a more than it should have, and I gave it to my boss' demands for its use during work hours, but generally speaking ... it was a pretty un-telephoned month. Just ask the dozen or so people that I owe texts to still. 

February, tho, I am really liking. This is the first month of two Challenges, and on January 31st, I changed what one of the Challenges was going to be so I felt a little thrown into the month. 

For February I'm
1. EATING BREAKFAST AND LUNCH EVERYDAY
2. TAKING 15 MINUTES FOR "MEDITATION" DAILY

I can absolutely say that I'm rocking the breakfast thing. I've also eaten my lunch each day, however it's sometimes a little later in the day than it's meant to be - does 3pm still count as "lunch" if it's only the 2nd time you've eaten? I'm struggling a little more with the meditations, to be honest. 

BREAKFAST
Well, for starters, I was delivered a stock-pile of Starbucks ready made breakfast sandwiches which made breakfast much easier for the first week. I didn't have to put any work in, I ate one each morning with my coffee. Now I'm going to have to work a little harder at it, so we'll see how I keep up. 

What I've noticed most about eating breakfast -- I'm starving most of the rest of the day. Yesterday I was already on my 1st snack by 10:00am. I get that eating breakfast is like "throwing a twig on fire instead of on a log." That makes sense, but for years my problem with breakfast has been that I'm just never hungry in the morning. Add to it that I drink coffee - appetite suppressant. Add to it more that I take a medication each morning that has "appetite suppressant" as a side-effect. But once in the hustle of the day, I'd often not eat anything before 6 or 7 at night. My body has been unhappy, my energy was at 0. 

So now, hungry. Body is burning food. I'm eating. And because I'm planning out most of it by taking lunch, I'm eating good stuff I like. 

This will probably be easy to keep up.  



LUNCH
So my problems with lunch have been:
1. Not hungry,
2. Too busy, 
3. Don't remember to pack it, 
4. Don't have extras at work, 
5. Don't take the time to go get food while at work. 

Bottom line, I eat lunch even less often than I eat breakfast, which is NEVER. 

For the last 6 days, I have had a mid-day meal. I have taken my lunch to work 3 of the 4 days, I ate lunch each day at home over the weekend, I bought lunch yesterday when all I brought with me from home was yogurt and lunch meat. 

What I need to do this weekend, is fill my extra fridge in the garage with lunch foods so I can fill my lunch bag in the morning without too much time/energy/creativity. 


MEDITATION
This is where I suck ass. <-- That's an actual literary phrase. Be impressed. 

I started February trying to do 30 minutes a day. But that wasn't happening. Ever. 

I was really trying to tell myself that the drive to work for 20 minutes in the morning and/or afternoon was good alone time. And that the 20 would be good enough. 

But the idea is pure alone time. Nothing I have to do with my body or mind as a distraction. Just think, write, be at peace, practice daily meditation scripts, etc. And that isn't something I'm doing well. The best I've got is 20 minutes in the car to think about things that I think I should be thinking about. 

So, I have a renewed focus on this. I need to spend the time - starting with 15 minutes and trying to work my way to 30. The "meditations" can be anything that gives me mental focus: exercise, writing, thinking, scripts, music. But the point is to be alone, be in quiet surrounding, and be actively thinking. 




Now the question is: Can I make my self-care enough of a priority to follow thru with this?