In a Surprising Twist

Yes - first day on food and I've already made and begun checking things off the solid-food-list. 

• Eggs?             

                           Check!        Onion-Spinach-Cheese Omelet for breakfast. 

• Peanut Butter?            

                           Check!        Chocolate Whey-Peanut Butter-Almond Milk Smoothie for lunch.

So, yes, my cleanse is over. I wish I could say I'm excited, but mostly I'm proud of the accomplishment, looking forward to certain foods and anxious-as-shit about what's next.

I really enjoyed the cleanse. In fact, I lost 10 pounds of - well, of crap probably. I can tell the difference and it feels good. On the other hand, there is a list  of foods I can't wait to eat. 

I have noticed that what I want to eat is surprising. 

• More and More Veggies
• Tuna, Salmon
• Eggs, Tofu
• Goat Cheese 
• Dark Chocolate
• Greek yogurt
• Grilled Pork Chops, Chicken

And what I actively DON'T want to eat is, too. 

• My morning coffee doesn't sound appealing. Maybe because when I tried to stray from the cleanse and have some last week, it didn't taste good and I'm scared to lift the veil of my coffee-addiction and discover that I don't like it any more. Poor income levels of The Coffee Cup, Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf and Starbucks. :(
• Fried Chicken, nope. 
• Pizza, nope. 
• Soda, nope. 
• Sandwiches, nope.

Thought I'd really miss some of those, but ... NOPE. 

I really like being cleansed of all the yuck that I was feeding my body. I also feel like 10 days isn't enough to have really created a habit in myself so there is some real fear of being free to eat whatever I want, instead of what I need. To ease back in and to keep up with the clarity-of-mind and cleansed-body feelings I have loved this past 10 days, I've decided on a modified cleanse for the rest of the month. I'll reevaluate as August is approaching; until then it's:

• Morning Juice
• Mid-morning Protein drink
• Salad for lunch
• Afternoon Juice
• Protein & Veggie dinner 

I'm going to stay away from refined sugar and simple carbs for now. I'm going to stay with as much raw, whole and natural foods (i.e. no condiments, no soda, no preservatives). I may dabble in some no-to-low gluten menu-ing, even. [See upcloseandedible.blogspot.com]

Mostly I know I feel good and I don't want that feeling to end. 

I will say, tho, that Day Ten could not have come sooner. Days Eight & Nine were a real trial of my will power. I wanted all the crap I could see in front of me, even tho I knew I didn't want it. For some reason, having not craved or missed those foods for a full week, the two days of 8 & 9 were hard. I longed for a piece of my kids' pizza one night, and wanted to bury my face in their bowls of cereal one morning. Day Ten was cake, tho. 

Cake as in EASY, not cake as in longed-for-food. Clarification is important because I made a scratch-cake yesterday and it could seem confusing. Just Saying. 

But yesterday was easy. It was as if I knew that it was ending in less-than-twenty-four-hours, so it was smooth-going. Or maybe because I slept away an approaching illness so there wasn't much time in the day that I had to invoke my willpower. 

Being on Day One of my non-cleanse, and looking back, I have a different conclusion. 

Those days were hard because I'm good at sabotage. 

I'm good at seeing the upcoming success as "impending," instead of "approaching." 

And that speaks volumes, doesn't it?

Yes, it does.

My July Challenge was really supposed to be focused on learning ASL with the kids, but maaaaaaaan, July 4th's start of this Cleanse really took over. 

To me the 

obvious 

reason is 

my fight 

with health 

and food 

is big. 

My relationship 

with what to eat, 

when and why, 

is only in Round 5 

despite having been 

in The Ring 

for 23 years. 

I associate the wrong things with why to eat. 

I eat the wrong amounts, not enough, too much, nothing at all. 

I don't see food as fuel, but as comfort, medicine and solution. 

It's a realization I've made already in the past 19 months of Challenges, however I'm still coming around on it. Clearly. 

I really hope to still be enjoying a 2-Juice+1-Protein-Drink+2-Meal diet when I'm reading through old posts in a few months, but I also hope that if I'm not - if I've fallen back to bad habits - my best friends, my loved ones, my readers, my supporters say

"STOP. You are an addict and you have fallen off the wagon." 

If you're reading this thinking "Yep, that's me. I will be happy to, but ... " please know that if I have a snippy reaction, it's because you are right. And I know it. And despite needing to hear it, and knowing I need to hear it, I don't want to hear it. Because I want to be left alone to sabotage. 

But that doesn't mean you shouldn't put me in my place.  

I am an addict. 

Phew - that is not easy to say. Not easy to admit. 

I'm not sure if I've ever expressed it in that way before. 

But I see it that way quite clearly today. 

I've known for awhile now that my relationship with food is unhealthy. 

I think I've tried to fool myself into thinking it's not that bad because "I eat more veggies than this person," "I don't eat all day long like that person." "My weight is in the 200s, not 300s." "I'm not a big fan of breads and rices, which aren't that good for you anyway."

But that doesn't mean I'm not an addict. 

That doesn't mean my relationship with food is healthy. 

I learned early on in my life to celebrate success with treats of desserts, snacks, food, meals, special restaurants, favorite haunts. I learned to associate having a bad day with needing to feed my emotions literally, instead of with exercise, communication, pedicures, some open air. And while I don't, in fact, eat as badly as many many people, I don't eat the way 

my body 

needs me to. 

I am a mother of 4 children. 

Children who want me to be alive when they're adults. 

Children who want me to be alive next year, for that matter. 

Children who want me to be at their recitals, sporting events, high school graduations, birthday parties, children's births, weddings ... 

You get the point. 

The reality is that is at risk. I'm fat. I'm overweight. And it isn't healthy. I want to be around for all those things in my children's lives. I want to be around to cuddle my grandchildren and great-grandchildren. 

I have lost my father and father's mother to heart disease - both at too-young ages. I have nearly lost my mother's mother to heart disease. I have genetics that predispose me to blood pressure, cholesterol and heart diseases. I have to care in a different way. 

I turned 36 this year. 3 weeks ago, actually. I would like to turn 46. In fact, I would like to turn 76. 86. Maybe even 96 - if my quality-of-life is still measurably strong. 

To do so, I have to get clean. 

I have to get into recovery. 

So for me, as a food-addict, recovery is a clear picture. 

RECOVERY. 

wow

Funny that all my years of staying away from hard-drugs, curbing my drinking and smoking and whatever other substances and behaviors I needed to stay clear of because I was so afraid of being addicted to something, it happened anyway. Just to something I wasn't looking out for. 

So, RECOVERY. 

That means recognizing why I'm putting what into my body. 

That means not putting a lot of what I used to in. 

That means celebrating success with things completely unrelated to food. 

That means comforting my sadness or hard days with things completely unrelated to food. 

That means being confronted by my friends-family when I'm not. 

That means knowing that they are trying to keep me clean - like telling an alcoholic not to order that drink. 

That means embracing the support, not avoiding it. 

===========================================

Hi, my name is Cat and 

I

am 

an 

addict. 

A food-to-feed-emotion addict, to be exact. 

And I'm 10-days clean. 

===========================================