#6:Not for the Faint of Heart

Me today: Relaxed with the occasional wave.

Today's entry is more reflective, less humorous. I warn you on your way in. But this is the point of a blog, right? You'll have to decide whether you're up for meeting me where I'm at.

REVELATION #1

Having new rules around carbs is great so far. And that's while I've also been on vacation in Dallas and Mexico. Not two places known for their healthy living options. I have been eating some fiberful fruits, beans, corn tortillas, and a trace amount of raw sugar in my morning coffee. I have now eaten 4 meals at one of the resort's restaurants that were served buffet style and I easily selected not to have the potatoes, rice, bread, or chips. I have eaten protein, veggies and some tropical fruit (melon, papaya). I have even easily avoided the pastry & dessert buffets laced with croissants, Danish, chocolate cake, tarts, and mousse.

Actually, on the first night I thought I wanted the banana cream cake but I took one taste and knew it wasn't good enough to be worth my carbs. Ditto last might where I watched The Bestie try a few dessert bites to hear get review and none sounded good enough for me to try. And I want dying of temptation. And I didn't miss it at all.

What has been even more interesting than my total lack of interest in the sugars and grains I'm not eating, has been that I'm totally and completely ravenous. I eat and am hungry again inside of an hour sometimes. It isn't starvation hunger, but my yummy feels empty. By the two hour mark, I'm fully hungry and within 3 hours, I  feel like I have to eat. Now. This is coming from someone who was never ever hungry before. It took me hours after waking up to eat. Sometimes I ate once a day, usually at 6pm. I wasn't eating the worst good, but it certainly wasn't the best either.

To the best of my untrained nutritionist mind, I assume that because I'm feeding my body regularly, it's using the good I'm providing right away instead of it's previous method of storing it in fear of starvation. Also,.because I'm fueling with protein, fiber, and very limited unrefined carbs, it is using it more quickly. I am certain my metabolism is up significantly.

Plus side: this could result in actual weight load. WootWoot!

Down side: my food budget is about to sky rocket!!



YAY ME!

REVELATION #2

That it's #2 is really very fitting because it's total crap!

I've now come to realize that the struggle of this challenge will not be physical so much as mental. I got thru the carb-craving around day 4, but now I'm having issues with my mentality. 

From the perspective of "I've got this mastered," I was feeling ready to quit the challenge on Friday. I wasn't really ready but it's my pattern. I start things with total commitment and gusto and then a short while in, I quit. This happens disproportionately more when the the "things" are self-improvement, positive changes. But it also happens with projects.

The list is quite long, and varied:
-workouts
-healthy eating
-putting photos in albums
-personal training
-not shopping
-hanging framed pictures
-reading more
-sleeping better
-game night with the family
-individual mom & me time with each kid
-visiting people

Wow, seeing A PIECE of the list all in one place is kind of embarrassing, really.

I have between thinking, rethinking and over-analyzing my thoughts on it for 3 days now. (At least I'm on vacation so there has been time to be neurotic.)

I have decided that this pattern of not finishing things comes from one, or all, of the following:
1. Fear of Failure
2. Feel I'm undeserving of success
3. Self-sabotage

Let's examine. (If you came for humor, this may be your cue to exit.)

FEAR OF FAILUREI know I'm somewhat of a perfectionist. This condition is most often exhibited in me in behaviors of doing everything perfectly or not doing then at all. For example, if I don't think I can make the picture look like I imagine it, I don't try. I don't have the body I want, so instead of getting it thru hard work, I don't bother. If I'm doing something at work, I safely do the things I know I'm great at and evade the ones I'm  not confident about.

Maybe my problem is that
I need it to be without error. I don't know if it's that I'll be disappointed in myself or concerned that others will be disappointed I'm me. And I don't hold that expectation of my kids, friends, staff. At least not energetically. But maybe I do subconsciously, and if so, maybe that even comes across in my communication to them?

Maybe I think that if I don't rock everything people will have not have a reason to like me. I almost can't believe I am writing that because in the surface I don't believe that, but clearly something subconscious is at play here.

But maybe this isn't it.

FEEL I'M UNDESERVING OF SUCCESS

Could that be it? I will admit to often feeling like I have lots of "if only they knew" secrets.

Sometimes when people pay me a compliment, I think "if you only knew." Examples? Sure!

People tell me I'm a good mom. But what of they knew that sometimes I tell at my kids? People praise me for being great at my job. But what if they knew that most of it takes no effort from me? If they knew I was just smart enough to find a career that comes naturally to me, would they think I was so great?

So maybe I quit some of these things because I feel inside that if I complete it and do it well, I don't really deserve the success of that?

This one resonates more with me, but still I'm not sold.

SELF-SABOTAGE

This is something I've watched countless foster youth and adult job trainees run into. I recognize it easily.

In  others.

And I wonder if I possess this trait on some level too?

When people have obvious barriers to whatever their goal is, they also have excuses for why they aren't there yet.

If the goal is a job and they can say it's because no one will give them a chance, then when they ate on the cusp of that chance, the fear that what happens if I can't very the job our very out and can't do it? I can't say it's because I couldn't get a chance; I'll have to admit it's because I wasn't good at it (or the like).

If the goal is happiness and they say they aren't happy because they are single/fat/poor/living in the wrong place/hate their car/ __________(insert reason here), then if that is fixed, what will they blame it on?

If the goal is finding love and they day it's because they are fat/men suck/nowhere to meet someone, what takes the blame when they get skinny and find themselves in a room full of single, amazing men?

So using that logic,.maybe I think these goals are proof of something I'm looking for. They are clearly things I'm trying to price I can do that I haven't done well in the past/ever. Maybe I attach some level of self-value and worth to being someone who can ... Whatever it is. So when I see myself succeeding or mastering it, I sabotage so the excuse still exists.

This certainly sounds more likely the the first two. But they probably hold some truths too.

Maybe it's a combination of neurotic, unreasonable mental issues. Fun.

I'm hoping to be the tortoise, not the hare.

BOTTOM LINE

I'll start by giving myself credit for recognizing the issue us there, being willing to explore it and, most impressive of all, being wide-open & vulnerable by immortalizing it in a blog. Yikes.

I guess the self-credit continues by saying that at least I'm still doing this. I mean, completing 30-day challenges was born largely because I know I struggle with long term commitment. And for me with projects and goals, 30 days is long term. So I should have known the mental struggle would get tough.

But I'm 9 days in and I'm still succeeding. Maybe even thriving.

Good for me.