In a Surprising Twist

Yes - first day on food and I've already made and begun checking things off the solid-food-list. 

• Eggs?             

                           Check!        Onion-Spinach-Cheese Omelet for breakfast. 

• Peanut Butter?            

                           Check!        Chocolate Whey-Peanut Butter-Almond Milk Smoothie for lunch.

So, yes, my cleanse is over. I wish I could say I'm excited, but mostly I'm proud of the accomplishment, looking forward to certain foods and anxious-as-shit about what's next.

I really enjoyed the cleanse. In fact, I lost 10 pounds of - well, of crap probably. I can tell the difference and it feels good. On the other hand, there is a list  of foods I can't wait to eat. 

I have noticed that what I want to eat is surprising. 

• More and More Veggies
• Tuna, Salmon
• Eggs, Tofu
• Goat Cheese 
• Dark Chocolate
• Greek yogurt
• Grilled Pork Chops, Chicken

And what I actively DON'T want to eat is, too. 

• My morning coffee doesn't sound appealing. Maybe because when I tried to stray from the cleanse and have some last week, it didn't taste good and I'm scared to lift the veil of my coffee-addiction and discover that I don't like it any more. Poor income levels of The Coffee Cup, Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf and Starbucks. :(
• Fried Chicken, nope. 
• Pizza, nope. 
• Soda, nope. 
• Sandwiches, nope.

Thought I'd really miss some of those, but ... NOPE. 

I really like being cleansed of all the yuck that I was feeding my body. I also feel like 10 days isn't enough to have really created a habit in myself so there is some real fear of being free to eat whatever I want, instead of what I need. To ease back in and to keep up with the clarity-of-mind and cleansed-body feelings I have loved this past 10 days, I've decided on a modified cleanse for the rest of the month. I'll reevaluate as August is approaching; until then it's:

• Morning Juice
• Mid-morning Protein drink
• Salad for lunch
• Afternoon Juice
• Protein & Veggie dinner 

I'm going to stay away from refined sugar and simple carbs for now. I'm going to stay with as much raw, whole and natural foods (i.e. no condiments, no soda, no preservatives). I may dabble in some no-to-low gluten menu-ing, even. [See upcloseandedible.blogspot.com]

Mostly I know I feel good and I don't want that feeling to end. 

I will say, tho, that Day Ten could not have come sooner. Days Eight & Nine were a real trial of my will power. I wanted all the crap I could see in front of me, even tho I knew I didn't want it. For some reason, having not craved or missed those foods for a full week, the two days of 8 & 9 were hard. I longed for a piece of my kids' pizza one night, and wanted to bury my face in their bowls of cereal one morning. Day Ten was cake, tho. 

Cake as in EASY, not cake as in longed-for-food. Clarification is important because I made a scratch-cake yesterday and it could seem confusing. Just Saying. 

But yesterday was easy. It was as if I knew that it was ending in less-than-twenty-four-hours, so it was smooth-going. Or maybe because I slept away an approaching illness so there wasn't much time in the day that I had to invoke my willpower. 

Being on Day One of my non-cleanse, and looking back, I have a different conclusion. 

Those days were hard because I'm good at sabotage. 

I'm good at seeing the upcoming success as "impending," instead of "approaching." 

And that speaks volumes, doesn't it?

Yes, it does.

My July Challenge was really supposed to be focused on learning ASL with the kids, but maaaaaaaan, July 4th's start of this Cleanse really took over. 

To me the 

obvious 

reason is 

my fight 

with health 

and food 

is big. 

My relationship 

with what to eat, 

when and why, 

is only in Round 5 

despite having been 

in The Ring 

for 23 years. 

I associate the wrong things with why to eat. 

I eat the wrong amounts, not enough, too much, nothing at all. 

I don't see food as fuel, but as comfort, medicine and solution. 

It's a realization I've made already in the past 19 months of Challenges, however I'm still coming around on it. Clearly. 

I really hope to still be enjoying a 2-Juice+1-Protein-Drink+2-Meal diet when I'm reading through old posts in a few months, but I also hope that if I'm not - if I've fallen back to bad habits - my best friends, my loved ones, my readers, my supporters say

"STOP. You are an addict and you have fallen off the wagon." 

If you're reading this thinking "Yep, that's me. I will be happy to, but ... " please know that if I have a snippy reaction, it's because you are right. And I know it. And despite needing to hear it, and knowing I need to hear it, I don't want to hear it. Because I want to be left alone to sabotage. 

But that doesn't mean you shouldn't put me in my place.  

I am an addict. 

Phew - that is not easy to say. Not easy to admit. 

I'm not sure if I've ever expressed it in that way before. 

But I see it that way quite clearly today. 

I've known for awhile now that my relationship with food is unhealthy. 

I think I've tried to fool myself into thinking it's not that bad because "I eat more veggies than this person," "I don't eat all day long like that person." "My weight is in the 200s, not 300s." "I'm not a big fan of breads and rices, which aren't that good for you anyway."

But that doesn't mean I'm not an addict. 

That doesn't mean my relationship with food is healthy. 

I learned early on in my life to celebrate success with treats of desserts, snacks, food, meals, special restaurants, favorite haunts. I learned to associate having a bad day with needing to feed my emotions literally, instead of with exercise, communication, pedicures, some open air. And while I don't, in fact, eat as badly as many many people, I don't eat the way 

my body 

needs me to. 

I am a mother of 4 children. 

Children who want me to be alive when they're adults. 

Children who want me to be alive next year, for that matter. 

Children who want me to be at their recitals, sporting events, high school graduations, birthday parties, children's births, weddings ... 

You get the point. 

The reality is that is at risk. I'm fat. I'm overweight. And it isn't healthy. I want to be around for all those things in my children's lives. I want to be around to cuddle my grandchildren and great-grandchildren. 

I have lost my father and father's mother to heart disease - both at too-young ages. I have nearly lost my mother's mother to heart disease. I have genetics that predispose me to blood pressure, cholesterol and heart diseases. I have to care in a different way. 

I turned 36 this year. 3 weeks ago, actually. I would like to turn 46. In fact, I would like to turn 76. 86. Maybe even 96 - if my quality-of-life is still measurably strong. 

To do so, I have to get clean. 

I have to get into recovery. 

So for me, as a food-addict, recovery is a clear picture. 

RECOVERY. 

wow

Funny that all my years of staying away from hard-drugs, curbing my drinking and smoking and whatever other substances and behaviors I needed to stay clear of because I was so afraid of being addicted to something, it happened anyway. Just to something I wasn't looking out for. 

So, RECOVERY. 

That means recognizing why I'm putting what into my body. 

That means not putting a lot of what I used to in. 

That means celebrating success with things completely unrelated to food. 

That means comforting my sadness or hard days with things completely unrelated to food. 

That means being confronted by my friends-family when I'm not. 

That means knowing that they are trying to keep me clean - like telling an alcoholic not to order that drink. 

That means embracing the support, not avoiding it. 

===========================================

Hi, my name is Cat and 

I

am 

an 

addict. 

A food-to-feed-emotion addict, to be exact. 

And I'm 10-days clean. 

===========================================

I Can See Clearly Now, the Cleanse is On

In my previous post I was talking about this incredible clarity that I've been experiencing and, honestly, its just getting clearer. I can feel the detoxing and cleansing happening and the effect on my mind and thinking is impressive. This sounds ridiculous to ME even as I'm writing it, but I genuinely feel like I'm seeing some things with fresh eyes. 

The more I'm reading and researching and discussing with others, I'm recognizing that my body craves whatever it's used to getting.  This could mean that whether your body is used to whole wheat toast and peanut butter, creamy soups, sodas, burgers, fried chicken or salads, it will crave what it's used to. So know what you're putting in there, folks. And I can say with total honesty, that I didn't know and I'm scared by what I'm knowing now.

It isn't that I ate horribly to start with, but I am now understanding that I wasn't eating well for my body. I definitely drank coffee with dairy milk every morning, and sometimes again in the afternoon. I had soda a few times a week, a weekly burger ... the list goes on. And I didn't think I felt badly; I certainly didn't feel bad enough to notice it, I guess. 

Then along comes my 15-year-old, wanting to try this juice cleanse he read about at The Juice Bar in Austin. In a show of solidarity, I decide to do it too. He quit after the first day (in fact, as soon as the clock struck midnight, he ate) and here I am. Day Six complete. 

So what has it done for me that I'm suddenly so awakened to? It's cleared my body of toxins, chemicals, addictive substances like sugar and caffeine, and - most of all - bad habits. What I thought might feel like deprivation has become my preferred way now. Let me give you a couple of shocking-to-me examples:

1. I was wanting to taste a vanilla latte so I decided to get myself a half-caf vanilla latte on the way to work. First sip down, I knew I wasn't going to be able to drink it. I tried a couple more sips along the way, but not only did it not taste good, it didn't feel good IMMEDIATELY. I had a kind detox from caffeine because of this cleanse and it may be that I never return to the coffee-a-day start to each morning. 

2. I could smell the yummy goodness coming from the fresh baked cookies - mind you warm chocolate chip cookies are probably my favorite sweet - so I took a tiny piece. I'm pretty sure that no cookie I've eaten has ever tasted so bad. What the hell?!?!

And on the other side of the coin ...

3. I unexpectedly like, crave even, some things I have never slightly enjoyed before. What, you ask? Oh, let me give you sample list:

• Beets - I can't get over this one. I've tried beets on a handful of occasions and NEVER liked them - even a little. Now I have them at least once a day - in a juice and/or on their own. They are one of my favorite things.     [[I'm SO CONFUSED!]]
• Sweet Potatoes - never been a fan. So yummy now. 
• Red Cabbage
• Ginger - still only into it in my juice, but the flavor is now something I find refreshing instead of off-putting.
• Kale - My mom has tried her best to get me to like this green. It was easily my least favorite. Now: Loving it! 

I'm eager to see what it's like when I "can" eat food. Will I still keep these realizations in the forefront of my mind? Will I stay cognizant and present? Will I make the better choices for my body and mind? Will I return to liking the tastes of things I know I shouldn't eat and my body doesn't really want? Will I treat myself to some luxury, like ice cream, and discover I no longer have the taste for it? 

I know for sure that I will spend some time over the next 4 days planning some good menus. And I'm no longer allowed the excuse of time because all week I've been making 5 juices a day - not an easy task - and cooking meals for the kids. I also want to read up on gluten free, dairy free, low glycemic, refined-sugar free, simple-carb free recipes and food choices. 

I'm especially excited to try many of the recipes posted on my friend Emily's blog,  Up Close and Edible (upcloseandedible.blogspot.com)

Well ... I've just finished talking crap to one of my besties about going to sleep so she can meet me at the gym at the crack-ass of dawn, so I better take my happy butt to sleep, too. 

Happy eating, people. 

I'm Down Which Lifts Me Up

Have you ever FELT thinner? It has to be a thing since I hear people say all the time that they feel fat. You know, the bloated, swollen, heavy, can't-button-your-baggy-pants feeling? So feeling thin should be real, too, right? For me, it is a real thing. 

I didn't exactly wake up feeling THIN, but I woke up feeling THINNER. I checked that feeling against the harsh reality of my bathroom scale and found that, yes, in fact, on the morning of Day Five of my Juice Cleanse, I am down 5.5 pounds. But I feel triple that physically. Wearing jeans today that usually leave marks on my belly from being tight; today they are slightly loose. Loving that - it's just such great motivation for me to keep going. 

But it also begs the question "What took you so long?" As many overweight people will say. And say. And say. I have tried all sorts of things. And some of them felt good, made sense, felt right. But this one CLICKS for me. I truly think that has more to do with the way I feel physically and emotionally than the weight loss, but as I've said in another couple of posts this month, the weight loss is not a bad side effect.

BAM!

Or, as one would say in Sign Language: 

"EXCITED!" 

However, as my children have explained to me, I look like I'm fluffing or rubbing my boobs. I guess that is a good reason to be "Excited." Maybe that's where the sign originated? Nope - just checked - the sign originates from "The feelings are being stirred."

Speaking of Sign Language (ASL), the kids have learned a couple of cool phrases during our ASL "lessons." Some our incredibly useful, some not so much. Here is video of some of them; see if you can figure out which is which.

 "My dad makes deep friend peanut butter and jelly sandwiches."

 "My mom is the BEST."

"Where is the bathroom?"

"Chocolate is my favorite."

"Where is the archery contest?"

Yup, you guessed it. All of them except #2 are really unnecessary! :)

Okay ... off to make a super-yummy Kale-Spinach-Orange Juice. Mmm. 

Say What?? I'm Not Hungry!!

It's Day Four of my cleanse and I had to make myself drink a 4th juice,  and as of when I'm writing this,  I'm not even a little hungry for the 5th one.  I ate an avocado as my one solid "meal." I'm not even sure of what to say about that.  Seems like,  even if my stomach is shrinking,  I should be hungrier than 4 juice and an avocado.  Right?

What else?  Last night I went out to belatedly celebrate my birthday with one of my besties and I decided that I would have a meal.  And a drink.  But I did do it in moderation:

We went to eat at one of my favorite gluttonous restaurants,  Texas Roadhouse. Instead of a steak and loaded makes potatoes and 3 rolls with cinnamon butter and soda,  I ordered a grilled pork chop with steamed veggies (no butter) and a sweet potato with cinnamon (No marshmallows or sugar). And despite wanting a big fat drink,  I had a skinny margarita. I made myself finish the pork chop to get as much protein in my body as possible.  But i couldn't finish the veggies or sweet potato. That was a new one for me. 

And this was an hour after my first without is a week. 

Again,  no words.  But I feel good. I feel healthy and clear. I feel satisfied.  I feel happy and motivated.  So, for the time being, I'm good to keep trucking to the Day Ten finish line. 

Oh, and another fortunate and lovely side effect has been the almost complete lack of caffeine withdrawal I've experienced.  The afternoon of Day One was painful and i eventually succumbed to the pain and had half of a Tall Drip late in the afternoon. I finished that coffee mid-morning on Day Two and haven't been in the slightest pain since.  If I'm withdrawing without the horrible pain,  sweats,  shakes and nausea, I'm sold. And everyone else should be too.

Now,  oddly enough,  the first hard test will come tomorrow,  Day Five.  I have to go to work and that means getting up tomorrow,  and each day next week,  and making 4 of my 5 juices all at once,  and taking 3 of them with me to drink throughout the day.  It will be a Challenge both to make all of my juices at one,  and to do no snacking,  no quick runs across the street to the convenience store. But I'm up for it.  In fact,  maybe making the juice to start the morning will push me to get thru the day easily.

Also tomorrow is my second gym trip since starting the juice cleanse.  Yesterday's was trying on my muscles,  lacking as much protein as I'm used to,  and having not been to the gym in a week.  So I'm eager to see if tomorrow's workout is any easier on my body,  or not. 

I'm pretty proud of myself for sticking this out for even just these first four days,  because it isn't easy.  It hasn't been easy to grocery shop for the four kids when I'm not eating any of it.  It's been a little difficult to cook meals too,  since I'm not eating them.  But not feeling miserable or desperate to quit is nice. WANTING to keep going is a proud feeling. 

Now I want to go to sleep. And I'm mm going to concede to that too. My bed is calling me.

Goodnight.

How Do You Say "Cleanse" in ASL?

I'm definitely enjoying learning another language. And one that can be used for lots of purposes - good and evil. For example, being able to speak to the parents of my daughter's friends; especially one of the friends who my daughter desperately wants to come over. It will be nice to be able to make play-date arrangements with her. Also, on the other side of the coin, it will be nice to be able to talk about people who are right in front of me without them knowing (Ladies: Think Nail Salon). 

That's okay, right? 

Interestingly, tho, the challenge that's exciting me more is this Juice Cleanse. I can feel the difference in my body already. I can tell I'm detoxing, my body is clearer, my skin is clearer; I feel clearer in my mind even. And for some reason, I'm not hungry like I thought I would be. It's actually been really energizing and I don't feel deprived at all. 

But the bacon that my kids are cooking and eating right now is KILLING me slowly. But ... even not having the bacon isn't making me feel deprived. And the thought of loading my body right now with all the chemicals and nitrates that bacon is filled with is not appealing. Maybe I can find myself a healthier version? Does Whole Foods sell nitrate-free bacon? 

So, if anyone else is considering a Juice Cleanse, let me tell you what I'm using. I'm combining the 3-day Dr. Oz Juice Cleanse with the 1/3/5/10 day Juice Cleanse from The Juice Bar Austin. You can download both online by Googling Dr. Oz's and pulling the pdf of The Juice Bar's from their Facebook page. I'm having 5 juices a day by choosing any 5 from the two menus and drinking them 2-3 hours apart, based on when I'm hungry. Between each juice I'm drinking a liter or so of water. I'm allowing myself one meal mid afternoon solely made of fruits and/or vegetables. For example, I'll eat a salad of only whole vegetables or a bowl of raw veggies and fruits (avocado, tomato, cucumber, beets, mango). 

What I have found makes my day and body feel balanced is a combo like:
1 Morning/Reds Juice like Apple-Carrot-Ginger
1 Detox Juice like Purified H2O-Cayenne-Lime-Honey
1 Protein Juice like Almond Milk-Vanilla Whey
1 Hydrate Juice like Coconut H2O-Grapefruit-Orange-Honey
1 CarbLoaded Juice like SweetPotato-Carrot-BellPepper-Beet-Apple-Orange

This is just a sample menu, of course, but for me the idea is some protein, some carb, some hydration, some detox each day. There are come really good juices that mix Pear and Celery and Kale/Spinach/Chard. That probably sounds incredibly counter-intuitive - it must because feels counter-intuitive to write it - but it really is good. 

And bonus to feeling good physically and mentally, I've lost 4 pounds. Not gonna complain about that. 

Oh, and for all the MeatLovers, like me, in my research, which I HiGhLyHiGhLy recommend if you want to do a cleanse longer than 1 day, I read things like "The intestines store as much as 5 pounds of undigested red meat" and "a liver cleanse can eliminate over a year's worth of toxins from the body." WhaTheWhat?!?! 

Coming at an interesting time, last night I taught a class on Good & Focus as 2 of the 8 keys to success to a Gateway group at work. I decided to guide them through Goo & Focus by teaching some skills on Goal Setting. I realized that I needed to rehear some of it myself and what coincidentally good timing to remind myself that MOTIVATION is a huge key to successful goal achievement. Feeling good about what I'm doing is great Motivation when I'm having a rae moment of wanting to bury my face in a Bucket of Bacon. Since WRITING and making VISIBLE your goals are 2 of the other 5 Keys of Successful Goal Setting (and Achieving), I did - as promised to last night's class - go home and post my goal where I could see it. And although that LONG TERM GOAL is much bigger than I can achieve on my own or in a short few days or weeks, the SHORT TERM step GOALS are all very related to this month - the cleanse, learning ASL, getting mentally and physically clear and clean.

How wonderfully karmic of the world to bring those things together unexpectedly for me. 

ASL Beginners Have to Eat, Too

Really wishing I had a close friend whose first language was ASL or who was, at the very least, fluent in ASL. I know from so much experience with other languages that immersion is my best learning method. Luckily I have my kids as partners in this because they really want to learn too, but really this is the blind leading the blind. What I really need is the Deaf leading the Blind.   No? 

So, first of all, as resources, I love SigningSavvy.com and the book Joy of Signing. SigningSavvy.com not only gives it's user background on the language, it gives a "translation" which I love. Just like Google Translate, you put in what you want to say and it shows you how. It also gives you the explanation of each sign, which makes learning so much easier. On that note, that's exactly why I love Joy of Signing. Every sign's origin is explained making it so much more memorable for me. 

The kids and I have started by picking out words we want to know how to say. Then sentences that might be fun. Then moved on to categories (which is how Joy of Signing is separated out).

First few signs we are digging:

Peanut Butter

Cereal

Bacon

If you know my family, you know that starting with foods, especially BREAKFAST FOODS, is no surprise at all.  We have learned toast, butter, sandwich, eggs, apple, pear, milk, banana ... 

Well, you get the point. 

I plan, er HOPE, we get to a point where we can prep, make and eat an entire meal using ASL this month!