It's Always 'What's Next?' for This Chick

All month I have been thinking about next month. All month I have been grappling with what kind of Challenge I need next. I've had all these ideas floating around my head all month trying to decide "what I need" to challenge myself with. I want to do something to kick my ass back into gear, which leans me towards doing a food or exercise focused activity. But I have had a tumultuous last 5 months and could really use some mental ass-kicking from a challenge. 

Every time I think I've found a great work out or food challenge idea, I think "but I also want to do something with my mind." And every time I think of a good mental stretch challenge, I think "but I think I should really do a food/exercise one." Then I started thinking back to last year and towards the end of the year, I was feeling like this often too. 

So ... 

Since it's year TWO of this 30 Day Challenge thing, I've decided from February forward, my 2013 Challenges will be TWO-fold. Each month I will have a Challenge about my diet and/or exercise routines, AND I will have another Challenge that works my mind/spirit/funny bone, etc. 

Of course, this is coming from someone who is into pushing herself given these Challenges even existing, but ... I am really excited about this. In the most geeked-out-nerdy way conceivable. As soon as it crossed my mind to have 2 Challenges each month in year #2, it just clicked. I may be really mad at myself next year when, if I do this again, I will feel pressure to do three each month and so on ...

So today I took to my friendly Facebook Friends and asked for ideas about Challenges. I was already feeling like I needed some fresh thoughts on them, but now I was in need of twice as many for the year. People had some really awesome ideas. And some crack ideas, but what're ya gonna do about that?? 

Challenge ideas that I'm now throwing around, researching, considering ...

                     BODY-FOCUSED                                          EVERYTHING ELSE

                     Run 40 Miles total in the month                    Daily Meditation

                     No eating out                                                     Different dinner every night

                     No processed foods                                           Only required spending

                     Only homemade sweets/baked goods           No TV

                     Juicing                                                                Work on my novel every day

                     P90X Lite                                                           Create a garden with my kids

                     New Cardio Daily                                             Do an outdoor activity every day

As always, I'm listening to other suggestions, so keep sending them my way. In the meantime, I gotta figure out what my plan is for February sow that I've realized it's only 6 days away. 

Dear Grandpa

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To The Perfect Grandpa:

Looking at you in the hospital bed, slight and quiet, was disconcerting. Your skin so fair, it appeared translucent. The bruises from every poke & prod you'd endured, so glaring. Your belief that you are everyone's burden so prominently displayed across your face. 

The lump in my throat a reminder of the weight of where we were. And why. 

But as I pulled the chair up close to your bed and sat down, life danced across your eyes. There you were. Right where I left you. Right where you've always been. 

Since I was a little girl, you have had my heart. Trips to Buda-fest to ride rides. Sitting on the porch outside your "work" counting red cars as they passed by. Dancing on your feet. You have always been the perfect grandpa. 

The life you've lived, all 95 years and counting, is an epic story. Your middle name is Strong and nothing could be as perfect a representation of you. What strength is must have taken to be the youngest of 10; to get married to the love of your life and stay married for your entire life; to be a man who raised 4 sons who were raised to be men; to live with your family in Argentina and Mexico, a stranger in a foreign land. And look at what came of it ...
   ============================================================

   ============================================================
Your sons are all so blessed to have been raised by a man who not only passed down his tall stature, but his larger-than-life character. You raised 4 men who are kind and funny and smart; who are genuine and caring and successful. Your sons gave you 6 grandchildren and 9 great-grandchildren: talented, loving and the amazing continuation of such an amazing man.
    
I am blessed to have lived so many years of my childhood visiting you on weekends, seeing the pride you had in me, talking to you for hours, learning your love for puzzles and letter writing. I am blessed to have given my children the chance to spend time with you, learn of you, learn from you. I am honored that my children all have your hunger for reading, love of writing, brilliant mind and witty humor. 


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I know that your end is near. Nearer than I'd like it to be, for sure. Probably not as near as you'd like it, tho. You have lived a wonderful and full 95 years. You have certainly earned the right to decide that you're done, and to go out on your terms in your own time. 

I promise to respect your decision. I promise to honor your choice. I can also promise that when your last day comes, it will knock the breath out of me. It will be selfish and inconsiderate, but I will be sad. It will be one of the hardest days of my life, despite the relief I know your soul will feel. 

I won't apologize for the selfish sadness I will feel because when you're gone, there will be another hole left right next to the one made when we lost Dad. The emptiness will be vast. With you will go my last ties to large chunks of my childhood, to stories of my father, to wisdom unavailable from anyone else. 

But I also promise to hold tight to every moment, to keep your spirit alive recounting our stories, retelling your tales and recalling my memories. This, my perfect Grandpa, I certainly can promise. 

You aren't gone yet tho. You can't get rid of me that easily, Old Man. There is still time to pull my chair close, take a seat, watch your eyes dance and soak you in.

Indulgences, Habits & Vices, ohMY!

We all have our weaknesses. Some of us have MANY of them. Some of us have just ONE. Some have COUNTLESS and some would have you believe they have NONE.

Errrrr ... this is starting to sound like a nursery rhyme I used to know about some little piggies.  Let's try this again. 

   ======================================================================

No matter how strong I am, no matter how resolved, no matter how protected or prepared, my weakness still finds its way in. We all have them:

Shopping            Ice Cream          Beer           The cute boy        Electronics
          Donuts           Pedicures          Shoes          Purses          Hats          Gambling

Some are more complicated weaknesses. Some are weaknesses that can cause us pain, bring us harm, hurt our lives or our livelihoods. Some weaknesses are small, slight, minor and really make no difference even when we give in. Some of our weaknesses are really about things we keep ourselves from because we think   know   hope   believe, that NOT giving in will improve our mind, our body, our life.

For those things that can really cause you pain or negativity, we call them addictions or dependencies. For those things that aren't good for you, don't help you, don't improve your life or your person, we call them the downgraded version of addictions; we call them vices. 

Vices are my problem. Vices are my outlet. They are how I get away on a hard day. They are how I  reward myself or give myself a pick me up. They are my go-to when I am feeling like I just can't deal. 

Some people give in to their weaknesses - their VICES - every time. Some people give in to them less often but intensely. Some people use them sparingly, smartly, healthily - if you can healthily have a vice. I tend to be a person who uses my vices to feel better or have a pick-me-up. I try to use them sparingly, but I don't even begin to try to claim that it's in any healthy sort of way. I go for long periods of time without engaging my weaknesses, and even find ways to phase out a vice. Of course, I'm also really good at finding something new to fill in the hole left by a previous vice. 

And then there are times where my vice becomes such a crutch that I don't think the word vice is even a fair word to use. At that point, it's really more a habit. I've noticed lately, highlighted particularly by this Challenge of no cell phone, that my current weakness, my current favorite vice, is incredibly hard to resist. And I'm probably significantly closer to this weakness being a habit than a vice.

And yet I find myself wholly uninterested in waning, decreasing, changing it at all. I don't even care about hiding it or excusing it at this point. In a sort of childish-go-ahead-and-dare-me-not-to way. 

What I wish I could say for sure is whether my habit is in such high use because it's currently forbidden by my Challenge, or just because it's a part of what makes me happy. 

I have had my moments of trying to re-resolve to do what I have laid out as my plan. But I give in almost as quickly as the thought to not give in has formed. While nothing has changed about the ease with which I'm managing "No Phone," I'm finding that almost daily I'm breaking from the Challenge for a little divergence towards my weakness. Why is it that no matter how strong I'm feeling, no matter how resolved, I can't resist?

I've considered using some behavior modification techniques to stop myself from indulging. You know, the rubber band around your wrist that you snap each time you think about the vice. The pinch you give yourself every time you want to give in. But the truth is, I don't WANT to stop myself. I like the indulgence. Despite it going against what I know is right or good for me or should be done, I like indulging. Despite what I've told myself I'll do, told myself I want to do, committed to doing, I like the that my indulgence has become a habit. It's comforting, it makes me happy, it calms me.

So, what do you do when you want both to do what you SHOULD do and do what you SHOULDN'T do?


For now, my answer is ... INDULGE.

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LostFocusGotComplacent. NoExcusesGetItTogether.

Well, crap. I got too comfortable.

It's been really easy for me to transition into this no-phone thing. I don't really miss it at all. Occasionally I've wished I had the convenience of the phone to make calls, use the apps, check email. But mostly, this is going well. 

Unfortunately, what that means for me is that I get into a mental state of "It's really not a problem for me, so it's okay if I use it for blahblahblah." As if, because I don't have a problem NOT having it means that it's okay to have it. 

It all started on Monday when I had to have the phone on because I came home from work early to take my daughter to the doctor. So my phone was on, i could see there were texts, but I didn't check them. I did, however, have to use it to talk when worked called twice, and check/return emails a dozen or so times over two hours. 

Then Tuesday, I was home for most of the day with my daughter and my phone had to be on all day. I used it to answer work calls a couple times but worked mostly from my computer. But it was on. And out of habit I checked email from it a couple times even tho I had my computer on and open. 

That just spiraled into - I" can just turn it on to listen to music." And then "I should check in on the sick kids - I'll text."

Uh, no Lady. Turn the phone off. Do not use the phone. Put the phone away. 

And that's what I've done. The phone is off, put away and not with me for easy access. I can use it in two situations: for work (when not at my desk), and for the kids (when not at home or work and their dad is at work so he can't answer the phone). The rest of the time, it has to go away. 

I really wish I could understand this thing I do. It's a repeated theme throughout many of these blog entries, many of these Challenges. I give myself a little room because I'm feeling comfortable, confident and in control. And then it gets too loose and I go in hard. Too hard. I spent when I shouldn't have because I thought I was in control. I ate more than I should have because I thought I was in control. I used the phone. 

Why do I give myself excuses and permissions? Why can't I just deal with the restriction? 

BECAUSE I HAVE NO WILLPOWER. 

NONE. 

It's how I'm overweight. It's how I was in debt. It's how I stopped working out. It's how I used to drink too much. Too much. Too much. Too much. 

Using the phone isn't a big deal. It isn't eating too much. It isn't spending too much. It isn't too much alcohol. But it's consistent with my pattern of over-indulgence, inability to say no to myself, lack of discipline. 

I need to get on that. Now. 

[*Flips through rolodex for therapist's phone number*]

I Wish I Could Say I Miss You, But ...

Things I Have Noticed Bout Not Having A Cell Phone:
1) I don't care. 


Yup, that about covers it. 


To put that into context, I can usually be found with my phone in my hand or on my lap or on the desk/table next to me. I check it at least once each 5 minutes. I read on it, listen to music on it, play games on it, text, talk, take pictures, use apps and generally prove I'm right about anything being debated (i.e. Google Search, IMDB, Wiki). I spend a nice $60/month for unlimited TalkTextWeb for that phone and I get every single penny's worth. 

And now the only thing I can really think to say about not having it, is "I don't care. "

I miss my music for sure, but it's backed up on both home computers and my work computer so it's really only when I'm driving that I'm missing out. If I wasn't so lazy, I'd burn a disc or two to get me thru. 

I miss the ease of checking Google Maps before leaving work to see which way has the least traffic. 
I miss being able to prove I'm right - now I have to rely on others to just know I'm right and that is more hit or miss than I'd prefer. 
I miss the quick text to a friend, or having ANY phone numbers. Did I think about phone numbers before this? NotSoMuch. I have definitely spent a nice chunk of time looking phone numbers up on the web this past week. And in even more cases, making due without. 

Probably the hardest part of this Challenge is all the people and situations that need me to have a phone wherever I am. And I have had to pull it out, turn it on and use it a couple of times. I don't like how it feels, and I know it's necessary. 

I seem to have resolved the Boss-Phone issue. I've conceded as requested to turn my "F**ing phone on and answer her F**ing calls" (said with as much joking tone as she could muster). I have it on at all time between 8:00am-5:00pm that I am not at my desk. And she hasn't used that to her advantage once. I think she just needed to know that she could. 

Yesterday my youngest got sick and had to be seen at the doctor so I had to be gone for a few hours at the end of the day. The phone never rang, but the email went off. I did as agreed: checked each email and only replied if it was urgent or important (0 out of 22 emails in 3 hours). I checked any text for sender and if it wasn't from a staff or The Boss, I didn't have to deal with it. At the moment, I have 13 unread texts that I will get to February 1st. If any of YOU reading this are the senders, I don't know what you have said but if "K," "Thx," "Me Too," or ":)" answer you, then there you go. 

In a debate conversation at the office last week about this Challenge, one of the staff said I wouldn't "make it a week-and-a-half." Listen, I'm the person who does 12 more pushups when the trainers says to give her 10. I'm the person who does 60 of something I was told to do 50 of. I'm the person who ... well, shit, I'm the person who CHOOSES to Challenge myself monthly to things I am not sure I can do or can NOT do for 30 days. So now that You've suggested I can't make it for 10-11 days, you can bet that even if this gets really hard, I won't be quitting before Day 13. 

I know I've said this a few times, but this Challenge really isn't hard for ME. It is hard for my lifestyle, or the lifestyle of our current culture, for sure. I am expected to be able to take care of things on the fly. I'm supposed to be reached about my sick daughter anytime anywhere in the day. I'm supposed to be able to check my scheduled, my email, my voicemail, my texts 24 hours a day. I'm supposed to be able to call my best friends for their birthdays no matter what we are doing all weekend. I'm supposed to be able to cancel appointment, make meetings, and take calls to pick up my kids whenever requested. 

In those ways, this is hard. Learning how to work around that part of what I'm accustomed to. Learning how to help others work around that part of what THEY are accustomed to. But the actual doing of it is fine. It's good. It's better, even, than the life of Go-Go-Go. In fact, I've taken naps twice in the first 7 days of this month. I'm not sure when the last two naps I can count before that were, but they certainly weren't in the same week's time. 

I think I'm supposed to feel like I'm missing an appendage, but instead I really enjoy this. I will wait until we are closer to the end of the month to declare the permanency of my lack of technology, but at the moment I'm want to continue this at some level. I can't completely rid my life of a cell phone, but I may go buy one of those 12-button flip-phones or even haul out an old-school block cell phone from the 90s. And call it a day. 

Anyone have one of these lying around their junk drawer?

 

              

When Your Boss Says JUMP, How High Is Too High??

Yesterday and today have been hard days for me. They are part of a week that's been hard every year for the last 3 years. The sad came over me yesterday afternoon and made my evening particularly emotional. Today was like wading thru slog from the moment I woke up. 

I want to honor my dad's memory not get stuck in the sadness of it all. I want to find a way to remember him in light, yet a spirit of sadness somehow creeps its way in every year. 

Try as I might to relish the good and savor the memories, this week casts a shadow over my moods. 

Interestingly, one of the great comforts has been that I haven't had to deal with my phone. For everyone I love who is reading this, I don't mean to offend. It has simply been nice to be in the quiet comfort of solitude. I spend these days emotional and a bit in a fog so having no contact is probably better. I'm not much good for anyone, really. Good timing for this Challenge, I think

My boss, however, is not impressed. She does not like that she cannot text me at any time. I've promised to have the phone on when I am not in the office during work hours so that staff can call or email me. I have agreed not to be unavailable to my job. She was clear that she'd prefer my phone be on. She wants to text or call. I have explained she can call THE DESK and EMAIL just the same. 

We are at an impasse, I'd say. 

I don't want to have to give in on the Challenge. I don't like the suggestion made today that I leave it on but only reply to her texts and ignore the rest. That isn't the point. And that will continue to have me slave to the phone, tied to the constant-instant-communication I'm trying to break from this month. I don't see what difference it makes. There are so few people who have my cell phone and NOT my work phone, that it's not right to say that people won't be able to contact me. And I'm certain she really is only concerned about her own contact, anyway. 

Truthfully, I've enjoyed the break from my phone-the quiet-the calm-the solace so much that I've contemplated how I can continue some level of this No Cell Phone deal when February comes knocking. How bad would it be if I got rid of the SmartPhone and moved back to some low-key flip phone? Really? I could text or talk if need be, but I would get to be secluded somewhat too. 

So, here I am enjoying the break, happy in the quiet. There she is demanding that I rejoin the loud chaos - at least from 7:00am-5:00pm Monday - Friday. 

Where exactly do I draw this line?




When your boss says jump ... 

Torn

It's like I'm living between two worlds. 

In one world I have instant and constant everything. 

Instant gratification, constant contact, instant response, constant stimulation. 

It's high energy, fast paced, exciting. 

There are games. It's social, substantial, connected. 

In one world I have unlimited calm and peaceful contentment. 

Calm forces, peaceful solitude, calm  reflection, peaceful harmony. 

It's relaxed, easy, chill. There is lots of thought.  

It's personal, intentional, meaningful, uninterrupted. 

TORN. 

There is no better way to describe it. I'm Torn. 

In the very first day of having no phone, I noticed that I had so much "down time." Mind you this "down time" is time I have any day probably, however yesterday, the first day without my cellular device, there were so many many minutes with no texts, no checking if the phone had gone off, no calls to ignore, no games to be distracted by, no apps to refresh. My attention was focused. Or at least it was not distracted. I read a couple chapters of the book I started on my Kindle months ago. I played dominoes with the family. I sat still and watched TV with my younger kids. 

There were even many minutes where I just ... WAS. 

Today - Day Two - was a mish-mosh. It was my first day back to work after an 11-day vacation. I felt very out of my routine to get up and not have all the same things at my fingertips. There was no alarm going off on my phone, no music app to listen to while I showered and dressed, no email to check, no Facebook timeline to read as I made coffee, no calendar to check my schedule for the day. And despite the imbalance at the start of my day, it was really only highly noticeable as I drove to work. Without my music. I am not a fan of the radio, and definitely not a fan of the Morning DJ thing. I always pick a play list as I 'm driving away from the house and just get lost in the commute. Not today. 

And you know what I learned? People are horrible drivers. Even at 6:00am on a barely populated street mid-week of a semi-holiday time of year. Horrible. I have to solve this issue before the morning or I'm going to learn quickly the true meaning of road rage. 

I have to out myself tho. I cheated today. I know - not even 48 hours in. I'm weak. No will-power. There was a moment where I just needed to know and there was a way to find out and the pull of instant gratification overtook me. It felt necessary. And suddenly, there I was, phone in hand - excitement, social interaction, instant, constant, goGogo all in the palm of my hand. And I caved. 

Honestly, I didn't even feel bad about it. I had ready an excuse, a defense, an explanation. And after I got my fix, I was happy to power it back down, relax into the calm peace and enjoy the rest of my day. 

And I realized, as I pressed "Power Off," that I was kind of excited to get back to the reserved, the quiet, the content. It's peaceful here. I don't have to be available, I don't have to have the answers, I don't have to need the answers, I don't have to check in, be funny, be on. I can just ... BE. It's an interesting place to stand. I can hear my own thoughts, I am free of distraction. When I'm alone, I'm actually alone. When there is a free minute, there is actually a free minute. When I'm with my kids, or at work, or driving, I'm actually PRESENT. 

It's nice here. Here in the peace. 

Not that the break in my resolve didn't stick in my head the rest of the day. Not that I don't know that I was weak. Not that I don't understand that I stumbled. I know all of that. Yet, it felt good to connect. Even just for a minute. 

Despite that, if I'm going to do this the right way - the strong way - the "Challenge" way - I have to keep the phone out of reach, tucked away, only for emergencies. I can't just break it out because it got a little hard to find the answer or because I got impatient waiting for the information or because I'm feeling the need to connect. Not everything has to be immediate. 

Sometimes it's better to sit in the silence and reflect. 

Hear your own thoughts. 

Listen to yourself. 

BE.

The End and The Beginning, All At Once

I keep saying I need to get back to my blog, and yet I keep not getting back to my blog. So as I sat down to write today, I started to recap the last 4 months of my 2012 Challenges and my life. Then I decided that it was more important to look forward than backward.

I will say the last 4 months of this year were long and difficult. Some of the longest months that I can remember in my life. I wasn't very good at my Challenge in August & September - I was distracted & exhausted by life and I let those things become excuses to be lax. October I pretty much let life go in general. My personal life was draining and a little uneven, to say the least. I ate poorly, I focused on myself at about a zero on the 1-10 Scale. 

November and December were mostly positive, upswing months for me. I did well in my Challenges, my focus was back, my personal life was still all over the place, but I was trying. My December Challenge - wearing no makeup - was an interesting challenge. It was difficult the first few days and I felt pretty naked and exposed, but the more people who said "I didn't even notice," or "You don't need makeup," the more I decided the 15 minutes I used each morning to do my makeup was a waste. I'm not sure that I'll go back to much makeup and I think my skin looks better after a month without it. I was a fairly exposing Challenge for me, literally, but I feel better after and I'll probably keep up with it long-term. 

Now for 2013 ...

I liked doing the 30 Day Challenges. I like how I feel pushing myself to do things I'm not sure I can, to try things I didn't think I would, to learn new things, to be different, to improve myself. So my 2013 resolution is to complete another year, another 12 months, of 30 Day Challenges. 

This year I'd like to be better at the blogging because altho it isn't a part of the actual Challenge, it helps me. It helps me stick to the Challenge. It helps me to be honest with myself. 

This year I'd like to get more people that I know involved in these Challenges too. It's fun when others are doing it too. 

This year I'd like to be more complex, more "challenging."

This year I will probably build on some of the Challenges from last year. I will also re-do some that I didn't do well at. 

Let's start with today, Day One, Month One, Year Two of "Challenged: 30 Days At A Time."

JANUARY: NO CELL PHONE

Yep. No Cell Phone. 

I know there was a time, back in the dark ages, that we didn't have cell phones, but for some reason, I can't remember how we survived. I have a land line (a.k.a. a house phone). Funny because 15 years ago most people didn't have cell phones and only had house lines. Now most people have cell phones and most cell phone users do NOT have land lines.  But because we use cell phones so much, most places I do business with, or register accounts with, or fill out paperwork for, only have my cell phone. In fact, I usually give my office number as the "alternate" when needed. And 95% of my friends and family don't have my house number. In fact, I'm so glued to my cell phone, that I text with people more than I talk on the phone. I email from my phone for work and personal more than from a computer. I play games and use apps on my cell phone - in fact games and apps account for at least 80% of the use of my cell phone. 

So for the next 31 days, for the month of January, NO cell phone use. That means no calls, no texting, no emails, no apps, no games. There are only two times that my phone can even be on:

(1) When I am at work, during work hours, and not in the office. That will allow my contacts and my staff to get ahold of me. But it can still only be by phone call, no emails, no texting.  

(2) When I am not at the office or the house and the kids' dad is at work (where he cannot use his cell phone). I can only have it on and can only answer the kids' calls and they can only call for emergencies  No phone calls or texting to ask me if they can have a cookie or go to a friends' house. 

I've already been laughed at a few times, I've been given the "More power to you," "How am I supposed to communicate with you?!?!?" "Better you than me," "Good luck with that." I've already been told I won't make it a week-and-a-half. My kids have already complained. 

All that does, tho, is fuel my fire. I will do this. I've driven across the country more than once without a phone, much less a smart-phone/pocket-computer. I can definitely live my life going from house to office with no cell phone. Right? 

Right??

Hello???

(hello?)

Okay, 2013 Challenged: 30 Days At A Time, Month #1: No Cell Phone. AKA Return to the 1990s

Now ... what to do with all the spare time that I won't be using to play on my phone?? 

Since I'm spending a month in the 90s, I guess I'll go to the mall.

                          Wearing my hypercolor shirt and Girbaud jeans.

With my ponytail slicked back with Dep & bangs hair-sprayed high. 

To cop those new Blackstreet, Coolio & BoyzIIMen. 

                                                                                                                                            On Cassette. 

...Day One, Month One, Year Two...