Torn

It's like I'm living between two worlds. 

In one world I have instant and constant everything. 

Instant gratification, constant contact, instant response, constant stimulation. 

It's high energy, fast paced, exciting. 

There are games. It's social, substantial, connected. 

In one world I have unlimited calm and peaceful contentment. 

Calm forces, peaceful solitude, calm  reflection, peaceful harmony. 

It's relaxed, easy, chill. There is lots of thought.  

It's personal, intentional, meaningful, uninterrupted. 

TORN. 

There is no better way to describe it. I'm Torn. 

In the very first day of having no phone, I noticed that I had so much "down time." Mind you this "down time" is time I have any day probably, however yesterday, the first day without my cellular device, there were so many many minutes with no texts, no checking if the phone had gone off, no calls to ignore, no games to be distracted by, no apps to refresh. My attention was focused. Or at least it was not distracted. I read a couple chapters of the book I started on my Kindle months ago. I played dominoes with the family. I sat still and watched TV with my younger kids. 

There were even many minutes where I just ... WAS. 

Today - Day Two - was a mish-mosh. It was my first day back to work after an 11-day vacation. I felt very out of my routine to get up and not have all the same things at my fingertips. There was no alarm going off on my phone, no music app to listen to while I showered and dressed, no email to check, no Facebook timeline to read as I made coffee, no calendar to check my schedule for the day. And despite the imbalance at the start of my day, it was really only highly noticeable as I drove to work. Without my music. I am not a fan of the radio, and definitely not a fan of the Morning DJ thing. I always pick a play list as I 'm driving away from the house and just get lost in the commute. Not today. 

And you know what I learned? People are horrible drivers. Even at 6:00am on a barely populated street mid-week of a semi-holiday time of year. Horrible. I have to solve this issue before the morning or I'm going to learn quickly the true meaning of road rage. 

I have to out myself tho. I cheated today. I know - not even 48 hours in. I'm weak. No will-power. There was a moment where I just needed to know and there was a way to find out and the pull of instant gratification overtook me. It felt necessary. And suddenly, there I was, phone in hand - excitement, social interaction, instant, constant, goGogo all in the palm of my hand. And I caved. 

Honestly, I didn't even feel bad about it. I had ready an excuse, a defense, an explanation. And after I got my fix, I was happy to power it back down, relax into the calm peace and enjoy the rest of my day. 

And I realized, as I pressed "Power Off," that I was kind of excited to get back to the reserved, the quiet, the content. It's peaceful here. I don't have to be available, I don't have to have the answers, I don't have to need the answers, I don't have to check in, be funny, be on. I can just ... BE. It's an interesting place to stand. I can hear my own thoughts, I am free of distraction. When I'm alone, I'm actually alone. When there is a free minute, there is actually a free minute. When I'm with my kids, or at work, or driving, I'm actually PRESENT. 

It's nice here. Here in the peace. 

Not that the break in my resolve didn't stick in my head the rest of the day. Not that I don't know that I was weak. Not that I don't understand that I stumbled. I know all of that. Yet, it felt good to connect. Even just for a minute. 

Despite that, if I'm going to do this the right way - the strong way - the "Challenge" way - I have to keep the phone out of reach, tucked away, only for emergencies. I can't just break it out because it got a little hard to find the answer or because I got impatient waiting for the information or because I'm feeling the need to connect. Not everything has to be immediate. 

Sometimes it's better to sit in the silence and reflect. 

Hear your own thoughts. 

Listen to yourself. 

BE.