#47: My Best Friend is No Friend AT ALL

As you may recall, I decided to give myself 3 goals in August??

Goal #1: Blog at least twice each week. 
This is my third entry in 6 days. That means I'm ahead of the curve. So far, so good!!


Goal #2: Do Something New Each Day
I'm gonna have to be honest and say that I'm only
Most of the problem here is that I forget about it until I'm already too far into the day or night to do much about it. And while I know I've done new things each day, not all of them are intentional or premeditated.
So, here are the new things I've done each day (and my brilliant commentary on each:

• August 3: Met the new BoyOfBestie (aka Bestie's Boyfriend) for the first time. Also hosted the Bestie and BoyOfBestie at my house for the weekend. Never done that. (Says something about the new BoyOfBestie, doesn't it?) So while meeting BoyOfBestie was planned for weeks, it being my Something New was not. Nonetheless, it was NEW. So There. 
• August 4: Went the whole day without a schedule. The plan for my Something New had been to take the kids to the Annual Ice Cream Festival in Austin. It supposed to be a fun-filled and yummy day. But because I spent the day going-with-the-flow and without a schedule, it ended up not making our calendar. No big deal, in the end. It would have been fun, but it will be there again next summer. And the summer after that, I'm sure.  
• August 5: Gave my kids cash and their school supply lists and let them pick out, choose, and buy all of their own supplies. Then I let them come home and organize them. For anyone who knows me, they know this feat of non-control was AMAZING. I am not-so-much-good with the hands-off thing in these time of activities. But they did really well. Made good choices, considered their budget and their spending priorities. Actually, with the exception of The Toddler who unloaded her 12 glue sticks and 48 crayons each into their own ziploc bags from her supply pile, it was uneventful. This will be the new way I supply and back-to-school shop for the next 14 years, I believe. 
• August 6: Took my son to his first ever high school activity. Such a surreal feeling to be dropping him off for something he's doing at school and having his school be HIGH SCHOOL. Ack. But after I got over the surreal part, it was really cool. I'm so proud of him and excited to see what this new experience will bring over the next 4 years. 

I'm kind of excited about tomorrow's PLANNED SomethingNew, but you'll have to wait to find out.


Goal #3: Keep Doing P90x
This is going well. Well ... this is going. It would be going WELL if it wasn't for my Bestie. Shouldn't she be my strongest - or second strongest behind The Mister - supporter? MmmHmmm.

Not. So. Much.

She comes to town and I start eating whatever the hell sounds good without a second thought about it's content or nutrition.

She comes to town and I stop working out as if I'm not on a routine. Even as if I don't like to work out. I do. 

And, yes, in fact, I would prefer that we all go ahead and put the blame on her. I mean, who exactly are you suggesting is at fault?

But, yes, I haven't worked out at my best. I did good workouts on Thursday and Friday and then didn't workout - at all - on Saturday and Sunday. I got back on the Horse-Wagon-Train-Whatever today and killed it in a new exercise I hadn't yet done. 

Oh, and my shoulders are feeling it now. 

More importantly, tho, is that I have to figure out how to do these workouts while I'm out of town for 6 days. I'm taking the discs because the hotel has a DVD player, but how much room is there in the room, really? And if I don't do the discs, then I can workout from the books in the  hotel gym if they have more than just cardio machines in there. 

The point is that I need to work out, so I will make it all work out. 

HahahaHahaha 

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So, all in all, things are good. I'm progressing in each of the 3 goals. I'm progressing well in a couple of them. Sometimes. 

I'm looking forward to the next check in and getting to say that I'm doing new things, I'm working my butt off (literally, I hope), and I'm writing all about it on here. 

#46: What's New With You?

Part of the fun of the August Challenge is getting to think of things I don't usually do and then DO THE HELL OUT OF THEM. Of course, it's a work week so I haven't exactly done anything wild and crazy, but I will. I swear. 


So far there have been two days. 


Day #1 of Something New: 
Due in part to exceedingly high levels of exhaustion that I'm experiencing, and due in part to reminding myself first thing in the morning that I needed to do something fresh today, I decided to take my damn time getting to work. 


To put it in perspective, I get up between 4:30-5:30am most days. I try to be out of the house by 7:00am and in my chair at work no later than 8:00am. I tend to have meetings starting by 9:00am at the latest most days so I need some time to read thru emails, listen to voicemails and prepare. But over the last couple of months, I have seen those times change to something like: dragging my ass out of bed by 6:15am, out of the house by 7:30 - usually in a frantic hurry with sweat dripping down my face, at work by 8:30am and then feeling behind for most of the rest of the day. 


That hurried, frenzied, chaotic routine, has created a stir that has made it harder and harder to get to bed calmly. To make it worse, the fast-paced, starting-from-behind morning routine usually left me headed to work without a prepared lunch that meets the nutritional needs of my P90x workout, and often even without a snack. I'd justify it with "I'll just buy lunch," but unless someone makes me by having a lunch meeting, I have a hard time stopping my work to eat. So, I was pretty much not eating, not eating enough or not eating well. As far as energy goes, that is NOT where it's at. Add in that I've been going it solo more than half of the summer in parenting because the other parent has been out of town for work more than he's been in town, and you have 


ONE


RUN


DOWN 


LADY.


So, on Day One, as I began to frantically work to get out of the house, as my kids were dragging their asses, a realization came to me: "Uh, what exactly am I in a hurry for?" I had no meeting until 10am, the kids were clearly in a lower gear and I didn't need to be so high-intensity. So I decided my Something New would be to take my time. As a result, the kids and I laughed during our morning get-ready, I made a full lunch with all the parts I'm supposed to have, I made the kids' lunches and snacks (they usually just eat the Camp or Day Care lunch), and I calmly headed off for drop-offs and work. I wandered in to the office around 9:30am and, aside from what's-with-you? looks from people who aren't used to beating me to the office, nothing fell apart. No one died. No one was fired. It was fine. 


My boss is semi-concerned about me and makes a point to note "You aren't yourself. Exhaustion is serious. Do you need to see a doctor?" So I guess maybe not NOTHING happened. A bit of an exaggeration? But other than her telling me to "be seen by a doctor (and offering her own if I needed him) or take some time off," it wasn't detrimental to be calm. 


So taking a note from Day #1 ...


Day #2 Something New
As I go to bed each night and set my alarm, I check the schedule for tomorrow at work to see if I need to be particularly concerned with getting out of the house at any specific time, or if I need to start my morning at an off-site meeting, which I often forget. And backtracking across Austin in morning traffic, isn't the biggest win in my day EVER. Last night as I looked at my schedule I was reminded of the beautiful thing I'd been seeing all throughout the day as I was checking for things in my schedule: I don't have a single meeting, appointment or time-sensitive task on my calendar for Thursday, August 2nd. 


How is that possible?! 


WHY AM I QUESTIONING IT??!!


So, my reaction? I turned off the 6-staggered-times-alarm-system in my phone. Yes, people, you heard read that right. I DIDN'T SET AN ALARM FOR THE MORNING. 


Not that I plan to make a habit out of sauntering into work whenever I feel like it, but my lesson from Day #1 of this Challenge was that my value at work, nor in life, comes not from being there first, last or most; it comes from being good - damned good - at my job. And that doesn't have anything to do with what time I get out of my comfortable bed, eyes-closed, and head to the shower. 


So, I woke up around the same time as I usually do if it's an Oh-Shit!-I-Overslept!!-Get-Up-Kids!!!-We-Have-No-Time-To-Waste!!!! morning. Honestly, the dog could care less if I want to sleep in or not. He has no interest in me being on a path to self-improvement or whether I'm trying out Something New each day. He wanted to go outside and chase the neighbors cat. So ... 


But other than that, it was calm moving. (Calm-moving is the reason I usually get out of bed at 4:30 or 5:00am. I hate the rush; it ruins my day.) I made The Toddler her hot chocolate. Actually, scratch that. I stood by as this three-and-a-half-year-old-going-on-TEN made her own hot chocolate START. TO. FINISH. I made a breakfast shake. I made a full lunch. I set out the things I'd need for dinner tonight. I went back tot he bedroom and cuddled with The Toddler for 10 minutes. Then I started my shower-clothes-hair-makeup thing. And left calmly. And got to work later than usual, but earlier than yesterday. And today I don't think anyone noticed. 


WIN. 


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SIDE NOTES: 


I mentioned that I would also be blogging more in August - twice a week at least, to be exact. So far: once. And it's been two days. So, CHECK. 


I also mentioned I'd be continuing with the P90x thing. I'm just going to be straight up and say that yesterday's level of exhaustion was real. And I couldn't even TRY to work out. It was Core Synergistics. If you haven't been down this P90x train, let me just say that Core Synergistics is NO JOKE. And so I gave myself permission to wait until today to start. Reflecting today on that decision, I still think it was best. my body needed a break. I mentioned in the past post that it's the mental hurdles that are the hardest in P90x. This wasn't mental. This was pure physical exhaustion. So I feel fine with that choice and I'm positive that I will be happy I did so today when I'm sweating like a mad woman while I'm trying to do the SupermanBanana in my living room. 


If you don't know about the SupermanBanana, go find out. It's fucking ridiculous. 
Like a 7.1 gymnastics routine. 
Yep, Olympics reference. You're welcome. 
It only happens once every four years. That and Leap Year. 




Peace.

#45: Success Has Taken A Silent Turn This Month

I had a feeling that writing a letter each day and doing an intense workout program that requires 60-90 minutes of exercise a day would leave me little energy or time for blogging. Boo to that because I like to blog. It really helps me get my thoughts out, processed and gathered. 


So, I'm going to take that into August as part of the August Challenge. 


Most important thing I have to remember to mention: what's different from the lack of blogging in July than in May, and even June? I have been busy and worn out from doing really well in my challenges this month and have not done well at making time to blog. In the past, the absence was due to a lack of success that I didn't want to face. For that, I'm proud. 


So, let's recap:
July Challenged me to write letters, once a day. I think I did well at that. I missed a few days here and there, but I didn't skip the letter, instead, I just wrote two the next day. I did falter at the mailing of those letters somewhat, however. i.e. There will be a good 8 people receiving theirs in the next week because I have forgotten to mail the ones I've been writing since last weekend. Brilliant. And everyday I've said "TODAY I'm going to mail that one/two.three and today's." And then I didn't. Repeatedly. Best part: I even bought a roll of stamps to prevent the issue. Good Lord my follow through is lacking! 


But writing those letters was good for me. It was nice to make contact with people, because I'm really not good at it. 90% of the letters were filled with positive things I wanted to say to the person and it's always nice to say and hear good things to good people. The ones that had some harder things to say were also well worth it because they ended up being very therapeutic. 


July was also the first 30 days of P90x. Holy hell, that shit is HARD. I'd say that in many ways I was incredibly successful, in some ways I was more successful that I expected of myself, even In a few ways, however, I wasn't as successful as I'd like to be. But overall, I worked hard on giving myself a break and just keeping myself going, continuing to push myself, even when I didn't do my best. 


If I was being honest, I was worst at 2 things about P90x this month:
1) Exercising every day was sometimes more than my body or my schedule would allow. It took me 31 days to complete 28 days of workouts which means than each week I took a second day off. And I needed it in every one of those days. 
2) Pushing myself through the exhaustion. There were days that I had no energy and was so tired and instead of pushing my mind through that, I gave in to the excuse and cut the workouts short. And yes, I said that right, my MIND. Because I know that my body was tired, exhausted, run down, but it would have made it through. It was my MIND that I couldn't push. 


But being able to say both of those out loud to myself - which I did about 10 days ago and then really shifted my mind - makes all the difference. I will be making my mental toughness priority #1 this month. It will make all the difference to be able to push my mind through when my body is tired. But those are the only real downsides, I believe. 


Generally, I love P90x. The motivation I get from seeing the day-to-day success is really important for me. Being able to do more reps, more resistance, get farther into an exercise, complete a whole workout and do things more intensely shows me I'm making progress and it keeps me working. 


Losing inches makes a huge difference, too. Today I took my weight and measurements for the 30 day mark and it's pretty damn good. I have lost 5 total pounds including lots of fat added to gained muscle. I'm lost almost 14 inches from around my body which is AWESOME! Just goes to show how much tightening my body had to do. :) 


Most impressively in the inches has been that I've lost 2 /12 inches in my high waist, chest and hips. I've lost 3 1/2 inches across my midsection and another 3 3/4 inches between my thighs and arms. I. WILL. TAKE. IT. I can't wait to see that total inches lost number be closer to 30! :) And, of course, I'm hoping this next 30 days will bring a loss of at least 10 pounds, but we'll see, right? I don't want to set myself up for disappointment by any means by having unrealistic goals. 


The fun part is that tomorrow starts the next 30 days - or 4 weeks, really. That means a different set of exercises, including a few that I haven't had to do yet. Good for my attention span, in particular, as I was beginning to get a little bored. And also new nutrition plan. Again, good for the boredom that was multiplying towards the food I was eating. Looking forward to new foods, different meals, new recipes, different portions. 


Some of the best things this month, however, have had nothing to do with my efforts in my July Challenges. The relationship with The Mister has been amazing! We are in a great place, and I'm more in love with him than I ever have been. Throughout my work in this, especially P90x and nutrition, he has been amazing, caring, supportive, encouraging. It has made such a difference to know that he has my back. He is most definitely the love of my life. My Love. 


Also, my kids have been great. They give me space to do my workouts, they do some with me, they eat the food and make efforts to be more conscious of their nutrition and health. They are an amazing group of kids, all wise and caring and funny beyond their years. But this month has really illuminated that for me. The Princess even got involved in the letter-writing, herself writing 5 letters to people to tell them how much she loves them. Sweet!


I really love and am feeding off the changes and improvements I'm seeing in myself and therefore, my relationships. It's such a great force and momentum to move into the next month with. 


So: grades for July!

LETTER WRITING: A-

P90X: B+

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Let's talk about August, now. 


Again, I plan to have more than one Challenge. I don't think it hurts to push myself in more ways than one and each of them have their benefits and challenges for me. So ...

::AUGUST GOALS::

1. I will continue with the next phase of P90x workouts and nutrition in August with my big goal for it being to not take any "EXTRA" days off. 
2. I will blog at least twice a week. I need this, I feel guilty when I neglect it, and without letters to write, I need an outlet. 
3. (The BIG Challenge) I will try something new each day. 

Let's focus on the 3rd one because the other two are self-explanatory. 

I am very good at being comfortable, getting into a groove and habits and routine. And while some of that is very necessary for my sanity and success in each day and in my life, some of it is about what's easier, what takes less effort, what pushes me less. And I want to try things that I haven't tried. 

(As always, taking suggestions from the peanut gallery for new things I can do. Anything is possible - big and little.)

SEE YOU NEXT MONTH. 

#44: Weight Loss of Mobility

Which is more important? I lost 3.5 pounds in the first 3 days from working out and eating the right amount of the right things. I also could barely move. Or roll over in bed. Or sit.


I'm going to go with the getting healthy. It must out "weigh" the other shit, right? Besides, the pain can't last forever. I'm sure my body will get used to it. Right??


Yeah, Cat, probably on Day 92. 


So today is day 5 and I'm doing ... good. It's a mix of the parts where I'm doing really good and the parts where I'm doing not-so good. 


Upsides: 
1. I've done the workouts all 5 days.
2. I did the entire shoulders/arms + ab ripper x on the first try.
3. I'm enjoying how it feels to do the work. 
4. I like the food - some of it is even REALLY good.
5. I've found a good mix of ingredients to make the chocolate Shakeology bearable. 
6. My cravings are really minimal if they are there at all. 
7. I only have one more day of workout and then I get a rest day. Which I need. 
8. Monday I get to prove to myself that I will improve on each exercise each week.


Not-So Upsides:
1. I cannot eat all that food. It's crazy. 
2. I'm exhausted. The kid of exhausted where people keep asking me if I'm okay. 
3. I cannot sleep enough. But I don't have time to sleep enough.
4. I haven't finished 4 of the 5 workouts this week.
5. I sometimes I can't move my muscles or body parts. 


Yep - the Upsides are almost more then double the Not-So Upsides. NICE. 


I know for damn sure that this is pushing me as much mentally as it is physically right now. I have wanted to say "Eff It" the last two days but I have made myself do it. And I'm so tired that I don't know how to explain it. I had to go home from work yesterday early afternoon and take a 3-hour nap so that I could go to an evening work event. I've slept more hours a night for the past 5 days than I have in years and yet I'm still worn-the-hell out. It's ridiculous, really. 


But I am loving that my kids are doing it and that the kids and The Mister are eating the same food that I need to. It's nice to feel the support and love and solidarity. I appreciate it!


Hopefully I survive the next few days so that I can write again. 


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Speaking of writing again, I've been writing my letters-a-day too. Not to be overshadowed by P90X. 


I don't want to share much of what's actually being written and for the most part, I'm not sure how much of WHO I'm writing is necessary information either. But I have appreciated getting to write to people, even if it isn't the deepest, most meaningful letter every time. 


I will say tho that I wrote one to each of my children at the suggestion of one of my uncles and that was an amazing, cathartic thing for me to do. Gotta love those munchkins. 

#43: How Am I Supposed to Lift Weights When My Arms Are Made of Jelly??

Have you done P90X? Have you made it through all 90 days? 

At a happy hour get-together, one of the guys I work with - who used to be a personal trainer - said he knew other trainers who'd done P90X and they hadn't made it to the end. I'm not going to lie - my reaction was "Oh, sounds like a Challenge. I'm all over that." And I set out to do all 90 days. No backing down. 

Then I did the first work out. 

Holy Crap. 

That mess is NO JOKE. 

So, for those of you who have no context for this program, it has a couple different components:

1) Intensive workouts that switch up daily to keep your body guessing and keep it from plateauing;

2) Portion controlled, well-balanced, healthy meals;

3) Supplemental shakes to help manage cravings and keep the right balance of nutrients in your body.

WORKOUTS

I mean, what the hell. 

Here are my truths: I grew up an athlete. I get into working out and I love a good sweat. I'm out of shape. I'm overweight. 

Given all of that, working out is usually a mentally tough thing for me and something that challenges me physically, but that I also LOVE love LOVE. Well, not this. This workout was a killer and I only finished 30 minutes of the 51-minute workout. Biggest fail, tho? I couldn't even do ONE incline push-up. Really? I could do diamond and military and wide and traditional, but not a single incline? FAIL. 

My goal is to DO every exercise in the workout the next time thru (Day 8), even if I can't do ALL of each exercise. Oh, and at least one effing incline.    *sheesh*

By the way, as I'm lying here typing, my shoulders and abs are sore. Guess it's working. 

EATING

Loving this. 

The nutrition piece was one of the reasons I decided to go all in on this plan. What I've found about my nutrition is that I know the rules and what is and isn't good for me, but I don't eat enough of most things so my body is worried about starvation mode. 

The other issue I have is that I really love protein and veggies meaning that my body often craves sugars that I don't really like because I'm not feeding myself any. So then it's 9 at night, my body is dying for sugars and I find myself eating Nutella by the spoonful because it's the only sugar in the house I can barely stand. 

So this plan gives me two options - preplanned meals for the whole day, week-after-week; or a proportion plan that you fix for yourself. I'm starting with the preplanned meals because it takes the guesswork out of the whole thing for me. And until I have a better idea of how much I'm supposed to eat and what combinations and what foods at what part of the day, I don't wanna mess that up. 

But I have to say that so far, I'm so full that I can't eat all the food. Ain't that somethin'.

SUPPLEMENTS

This might be the BEST part. 

Not that they taste amazing - at all - but they do wonders to get me all the fruits I need, the vitamins, superfoods, and have really curbed my cravings. 

Uh ... SOLD. 

I am looking forward to the one-week weigh in. Not that weight-loss is the #1 goal, because it's really about being healthy and feeling good, but ... come on, it's really just about the weight loss. 

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I have to also mention the letters. Man, it is hard to write a letter after writing all day for work and writing in my blog at night and then all the other little things in between. You know, like work, eating, feeding, working out, driving my kids around, etc., etc., etc., blah, blah, blah. 

But I am enjoying it and it feels good to be in communication with people in such a non-technological, heart-felt way. 

#42: What's the Answer to a Bad Grade? Take More Classes.

The problem with this Challenge was that I was BORED out of my mind. 

B O R E D!!

It wasn't that I wasn't working on it, but I was not super enthusiastic about it. And between my boredom and my exhaustion, I wasn't really into writing about it. If you remember, I decided to Challenge myself in June with completing projects I had started or wanted to start and not gotten to. What I can say about that looking back is that most of the items on that list is that they were there because I really didn't care that much about them, they weren't important enough for me to prioritize and/or they are a part of something bigger that I am struggling with.  Let's review:

THE LIST

• Read the 3 books that I've started in the past 6 months and not finished: 
• DONE and I read an extra 3 books.       
• A+
• Set up my sewing table.
• Well, I tried twice to set up my sewing area and both times I ran into table issues. But then The Mister bought me one for my birthday. It isn't set up, however. That is having to wait an extra couple of days until this weekend. 
• C+
• Finish the sewing project pile I started when I decided to become a "sewing machinist."
• Given the above, this hasn't happened at all. Bonus is that the pile is larger now. Maybe July will be my lucky sewing month. They have those, right?
• F+ (because I wanted to, I swear)
• Kick start my weight-loss goals by losing 10 pounds.
• I went after this one, but I will admit I wasn't fully successful. I lost 5 pounds, which is good and better than some people can do in a month, but I know I can do better. More on that "doing better" later.   
• B-
• Organize the garage. 
• This didn't happen. This falls into the category of just not that high on my priority list. In the big picture, I want the garage to be organized and cleaned. However ... I don't spend a lot of time in my garage so if it doesn't happen, it's not killing me. I have made some progress tho. I've tossed out a large amount of garbage and recycling items that were sitting in there and got 2 new shelves for it. Maybe one of these days I will actually get around to the organization effort.
• D
• Buy and install wall shelves for the kids' rooms. 
• Nope. Didn't happen. Didn't even really try. Thought I wanted to get this done, but when it came down to it, dozens of other things going on in my life matter much more. 
• F
• Frame the photos I printed. 
• Done. Phew. Thank goodness there was a second one that I got to say I did. I was beginning to worry. 
• A+
• Hang the photos I framed (above and the other 12 sitting in my room for the last 6 months).
• I hung a few in one area but none in the other. Honestly, all I've really done is create a larger pile of framed pictures that I still haven't put up. 
• C+ 
• Create a gym calendar and then do what it says. 
• Half done. Half not. This is one that falls into the category of things that are part of a bigger failing I'm struggling with. More on my way to deal with this later. 
• C
• Move the extra items out of the kids' rooms.
• We did a big chunk of this, took a break and then never got back to it. That was a matter of weeks ago. So annoyed with myself. 
• B
• Set up the arts & crafts table and area for the kids. 
• Well, since I didn't get around to organizing the garage, you can probably guess that this fell the way of that also. You're correct if you made that guess. Not that it matters much - the 108 degree temps around here this week would make working in the garage stupid. Let's make that the reason, ok??
• F

The average of those grades gives me the June Challenge score. And that score is: C-

Wow. That sucks. I knew I didn't ace this one, but C-?? Ewww.

. . .

. . .

. . .

. . .

. . .  I'm suddenly feeling a little off track with all of this. I've had a few months in a row of failing or under performing these Challenges. I don't expect to be pulling straight A's, but I'm not loving the fact that I seem to be slipping off the path of working on myself, working on things that I struggle with to start with, working on little changes one at a time. 

I think I need to refocus on the things that really Challenge me mentally, physically, and spiritually. Honestly, I'd rather fail but have stretched myself for 30 days, than to pass it because it's too easy or succeed with ease but be bored by it.

So ... on that note ...

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JULY IS HERE. 

For July I've decided it's best to give myself two Challenges. This reaction isn't that surprising from me - I never did as well in college when I have a light load as I did when I took extra credits. I never get projects done before the last minute if I have too much freetime, but give me a packed schedule and it's all done, on time ahead of time, and high quality. I'm just better with too much to do than too little. And I've learned to embrace that reality.  

So this month, two Challenges: One - a true Challenge of my mind, my body and my heart. The second - to give myself some motivation and focus towards doing better at something I regret being bad about. 

July Challenge A:     30 STRAIGHT DAYS OF P90X

One of the things I've done over the last week was to get working on my health. I recognize that I'm carrying around more weight than I want to, more weight than I feel good about, more weight than looks good, and more weight than is healthy. 

Part of what I want to focus on is my eating. I know the food rules and I more than know what is good for me and what isn't. What I consistently struggle with is eating for the wrong reasons or under eating. My body is either having to process food it isn't used to or isn't good for it, or it is trying to figure out if I'm sending it into starvation mode. Sometimes I feel like if I look at a warm chocolate chip cookie, I gain 5 pounds. :) 

I decided on P90X for 2 reasons - 1) it comes with 2 nutrition plans that are manageable and user-friendly; and 2) the workout routine is constantly changing and I get bored SO EASILY!!!

So I've collected all of the things I need to, read all about what to expect/what to do/what not to do. And I'm off and running. I've already started the meal replacement once a day with Shakeology. (Hint: Chocolate - NO, Green - YES, looking forward to trying the Vegan fruit one next.) I've stocked my fridge with the foods I need to make the meals. I've purchased the kitchen scale so that I know what 3 oz is - and I've been surprised to see how wrong I was about what 3 oz is. JEEZ. 

I've heard that most people don't finish it - and I've been told that under the guise of "So don't feel bad if you too don't complete it." Uh, fuck you. All I need is to be told I can't or won't. Haters. So I decided my best way towards finishing 90 days is to get the first 30 under my belt. 

Basically, the riles to this are simple:

• Follow the exercise routine (using the DVDs, using the post-workout tips, using the routines given even on the off/down days)
• Follow the portion controls (this could mean that I'm making the exact meals listed or just the right portions)

I've considered whether to blog my P90X experience here or start a separate blog to focus on that. So far, I'll be doing it as part of this. We'll see how this goes. 

AND WHILE I'M AT IT ...

July Challenge B:    WRITE A LETTER A DAY TO SOMEONE

I am way WAY WAY out of touch with my friends and family. I fell too busy to find time for talking on the phone, or texting even, most days. Finding the time to correspond is really outside my schedule. 

But the people I don't talk to has nothing to do with my value of them or my love for the people in my life. 

I've brought this Challenge up in the past and some great ideas for who to write letters to have come forward so somewhere in the month of July are letters to:

• Each of my children
• My father
• My grandmother 
• My grandpa
• Childhood friends

The rules for writing are: they must be written letters/cards/postcards/notes. They can NOT be emails, texts, FB messages. That means that when I have a letter for someone, I have to get their address and mail it. GASP!!

If you want on the list, just let me know :)

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So, this will be a busy, Challenging month that will probably test me and make me grow BIG TIME. 

Love it, Bring it, Let's go!!!

#41: MotivationLazinessGettingMyAssInGear

Finishing projects has made for an interesting Challenge. Try taking something you struggle the most with and then forcing yourself to do it. For 30 days. I realize that is what I built "Challenged: 30 Days At A Time" on, however it was one Challenge at a time, too. Then I go and make my one Challenge for the month to do multiple things that I already couldn't complete the first time I started them. 

It's like facing past-failure daily. For 30 days. 

Ugh. 

Why is it that people I have such a hard time with finishing things? I wish I could blame it on my childhood:  "Listen, it's not my fault! I was NeverTaughtDidn'tHaveModelingSufferedTrauma." But that's just an excuse - and it isn't even true.  It's just a matter of MotivationLazinessGettingMyAssInGear. 

The bare truth is that I just want to do whatever I want to do. And if what I want to do doesn't include "get things done," then just eave me alone and stop pressuring me!!! 

But as nice as it sounds to make my weekend to-do list to "balance" my work week by being all about nothing: "1) Play, 2) Have Fun, 3) LayAround, 4) Laze About, 5) Only Do Things I Want To," when I see a pile of dishes in the sink for 3 days in a row, I realize that I'm not just doing "things I want to," I'm avoiding doing the things I need to. 

It really isn't that complicated. There really aren't any good excuses. It's about as straightforward as it can be. What am I trying to make it more than it needs to be? In the words of The Mister: 

Get It Together

That's all it boils down to. Why is getting it together so much harder than it should be? 

I made a list of 11 projects to complete in June and 16 days in I really should be farther along than I am. And really, if I spent one full day working on them, I'd probably be done. But the reality is that I don't have "one full day" to do anything and this is supposed to be about learning to incorporate things into my life. So little-by-little progress needs to be made. 

I do love the pressure of crunch-time tho. I'm the girl who crammed for tests in high school and college. I'm the girl who had a month to complete projects for work and did them in the final 24 hours. I'm a procrastinator - but I like to call it "better under pressure." 

But I am succeeding in some areas: 

• I've read 4 books - 2 from the project "read the 3 books I've started in the last 6 months and not finished," and 2 new ones. 
• I've lost 4 pounds - good progress towards the project "kick start my weight-loss goals by losing 10 pounds."

Wow - not much. Almost seems like instead of doing my projects, I've been reading. Figures that I would swing the pendulum so far from NOT DOING CRAP to OVER DOING CRAP. 

I did take a stab at a third project: "set up my sewing table." Buuuuuuuut ... the table I was going to use I had already to given to someone else, which I'd forgotten. Like an idiot. So now I either have to buy a new one or figure something else out from what I already own. And, no, in fact, I did not realize I had given it away and then decide to solve the problem with a new solution, I just tabled the project gave up. 

Seriously, the laziness is astounding. 

This weekend I'm hoping to tackle more projects and have put 5 on my to-do list thinking "I'll get these done and those will lead to be able to get two more of the projects done throughout the week. Unfortunately, tho, I think packing too much in and making goals that are too large is part of my problem. Instead of such an ambitious list for someone who clearly has a hard time finishing things, maybe I should make it smaller and then add to it if I'm getting things done and finding the motivation to keep the ball rolling.

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PREVIOUS setting-myself-up-for-failure LIST:

1. Buy sewing table.
2. Set up the sewing table.
3. Frame printed photos. 
4. Hang framed pictures.
5. Create a gym calendar.

NEW small-victories-lead-to-bigger-victories LIST:

1. Buy sewing table.
2. Hang framed pictures. 

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Can we talk about something else while we're here??

This weekend is Father's Day. 

It's been almost 2 1/2 years since I lost my dad. I often can't believe it's been that long. I've really shifted in my grieving from being unbearably sad and lost 90% of the time right after his passing, 10% of the time. I have found that much of what people said to me about grief and loss in the days following is true: the pain and hurt never goes away, but it gets easier.  It does get easier. 

In January, I got thru the 2-year anniversary of his death without tears. It was a somber day and I was sad, but I wasn't a mess.

In February, I got thru his 60th birthday. Altho, in retrospect, I'm not sure how much of that I can take credit for. I was in the hospital sick that day, barely coherent, and not with it enough to be aware of myself, much less the significance of the day. Thinking back on it shortly after, I wondered if that was less coincidental than it seemed at first. 

I had a little hiccup when The Teenager graduated middle school in late May. Dad would have been so proud and his absence didn't go unnoticed. 

In fact, I think what makes me sad isn't the anniversaries of his birth, marriage or death. It is the celebration of my children's and my own accomplishments. I know he would be so proud of my career, my happiness, my life in Austin, my relationship. He would be even prouder at each new year of his grandchildren's lives, their soccer games, cheerleading competitions, their report cards, first days in new classrooms, their football games, their music lessons, their travels around the world. 

And now, tomorrow, we celebrate fathers around the world. In this house we will celebrate the amazing father my children have been blessed with. A father who has changed his life and himself to be a part of their daily world. A father who teaches them new things every day and who they are blessed to have present for every laugh and every tear. We will shower him with love, appreciation, attention, gifts and "whatever you want to do today" attitudes. 

And while we are celebrating, I will quietly pay respect to the grandfather - their Papa - my father who is absent. I have looked for ways to honor him at each milestone, significant day, anniversary.  I have celebrated him in many ways since we lost him - mostly external ways. I wear a pendant filled with his ashes around my neck most days. We have eaten at restaurants he liked to take the kids to. We have visited places in town he liked to go. I have cried. I have slept away the day. We have talked about what we loved about him. 

All great ways to honor him. This year, tho, I need something more private, more personal. This year I need to celebrate him in way that's just between him and me. 

This year I'm going to write him a letter. 

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Now, to find that table ...

#40: Failure of epic proportions

So, first of all, HELLO JUNE!!! 

May sucked. The May Challenge sucked. I sucked at the May Challenge. I epically, royally failed it. I haven't failed one out right until this last one. And it didn't make me feel great. And instead of blogging to get it out there, I recoiled. I wanted nothing to do with the blog or the Challenge or anyone's *tsktsk*ing or even any encouraging words. 

Bottom line, I started spending and once I started, I lost control. I had a lot of excuses, reasonings, blame and more than anything else, I had a lot of "it's-okay-that-I-spent-money-on-such-and-such-because-at-least-I-didn't-spend-any-money-on (fill in the blank)." Boo.

I really knew it was a problem when I realized that I was avoiding telling my kids and The Mister (formerly "The Boy" until someone confused that moniker for my son and I realized that I should probably find a new one!) about spending, sneaking things, buying things as a secret, making up stories about how I got things or throwing things in the garbage before I got home so I left no trace. Let's just be brutally honest: I was showing full-blown addict behavior. To be clear, I don't say that lightly.  

I happen to be sure that I have what is called an "addictive personality." I have a hard time with moderation for anything I like or that makes me feel good. I tend to consume in excess, or not at all. It's funny to say that because I also tend DO things to a neurotic-perfection, or not at all. I like things cleaned and organized to a tee and if I don't have the time to do it perfectly, then i just don't do it. And sometimes it takes days, and piles of mess, until I have the time. I work productively and effectively non-stop for 10-12 hours or I barely put in 6. I used to drink excessively, but now I drink one drink a month at most. Usually not even that much. Unfortunately, I'm the same with shopping/spending money and eating. 

I liken it to addiction because I have my spending under control as long as I don't spend. At all. I have my food-habits under control as long as I'm totally regimented about it. But if I spend a little, or give myself a treat, I lose control. It becomes a little here, a little there, a little more there, a little more here. Suddenly: full-blown, out-of-control spending or eating habits. I am not someone who can just have a little. I can't have just one bite. I can't spend just $10. I can't allow myself just one treat. I can't just buy myself just a soda at the restaurant. 

It will probably come as absolutely no shock, then, that I say that my biggest struggle with the May Challenge was NOT EATING OUT. I mean, what better way to indulge both habits then to pay-for-food. Helllllooooooooo!!! And that is how my problem began. I bought a drink at the drive thru (no food, just a drink; I mean, "I'm driving around all afternoon running errands and I'm thirsty and have nothing to drink. What am I supposed to do? This makes it a necessity, right??"). Then I was shopping for actual, real necessities and saw something else I wanted. It was only $3 and I told myself it was a necessity. Besides, I was alone, so who else would know? 

Then it was over. I was eating out, buying food, buying things. At some point I just decided that it was done. That I was done. I was fully out of control, spending on everything, full-shopping trips for the kids, a pair of shoes for myself, out to eat with friends, etc. etc. on and on. In fact - I mean, I might as well out myself completely, right? - the last weekend of the month I took The Kids out of town for the weekend and 1) paid for a hotel room that we didn't need because not only does The Bestie live there, The Favorites do too and not 5 minutes from where I needed to be all weekend; 2) I upgraded to a new hotel that cost more for nights 2 & 3 because I didn't like the first one enough; 3) I bought things for everyone over the weekend; 4) I ate out. For every meal. Including one very-fancy, very-pricey meal. 

Total, epic, catastrophic failure. 

I was introduced towards the end of the month to a book by Chris Prentiss called The Alcoholism and Addiction Cure. I have a lot of opinions about the book and disagree wholly and completely with some pieces, including a couple of pieces that are major tenets of the book (ahem, "Cure," ahem). Buuuuut, some it rang so totally true for me - and for many people I know. Some of the physiological information was fascinating. Some of the narrative and experiential information was spot-on for me. And, I must say that the general theory that dependency is a symptom of a problem, not THE problem, is something I have believed true about behaviors and addiction or dependency, for a long time. It makes total sense to me that we exhibit behaviors and have dependencies based on a need to escape/self-medicate/compensate our real issues. Were you abused, neglected or abandoned as a child? Were you raised in an environment where you heard repeatedly that you were not good enough? Do you lack self-worth? Is your value wrapped up in something you can't control or achieve? Do you see yourself thru a false filter? Did you suffer a tragedy or loss of someone important? If you have a yes or two - or five - in there, do you feel better about yourself or the situation, do you feel less, can you escape your feelings when you drink/get high/shop/eat/cut/have inappropriate sex/engage in risky behavior? 

After reading that book - or most of it because I readily admit to having skipped some chapters of no import or assistance - and then re-reading a few of the more enlightening chapters, I believe I have dependency issues around spending and eating. I use them to celebrate the exciting moments in my life and I use them to comfort the negative moments. I get a coffee or comfort food when I'm stressed or upset. I go out to eat to celebrate all sorts of different events or milestones. I buy myself or others presents when I'm sad or hurt. I treat myself to gifts when I'm celebrating accomplishments or significant days. 

And, most upsetting in all of this realization was that I'm teaching these behaviors to my kids. When The Princess is having a bad day, I offer her a treat I know she likes. When the kids finished the school year, we went out to eat to celebrate. When it's someone's birthday, I shower them with dinner out and lots of gifts. When someone isn having a particularly difficult time, I offer solace in food or shopping. I mean, GET A GRIP. 

So one of the other great takeaways from the book is the idea that we have to choose to deal with things in a different manner. 

• It's important that when I'm headed for the drive thru to get a coffee or buy a warm cookie, I have to ask myself out loud WHY. Am I feeding an emotion or am I hungry? 
• When I want to head the car in the direction of shopping, I have to stop and talk to myself out loud to determine WHY. Am I upset? Am I emotional? Am I stressed? Or do I need this item? 
• When I'm headed to the restaurant or store to celebrate something for one of The Kids or The Mister, I have to stop myself and identify - out loud - whether this event/accomplishment/milestone could be celebrated in another manner. 

I have to say that I've been doing this but it is HARD. If I'm being honest with myself in those moments, I know that it will mean I don't get to fill my needs with food or spending. That can make it hard to be honest. But it gets easier each time. And eventually it becomes the habit. 

I had no idea that this Challenge - or any of the Challenges, really - would have this much impact on me. I had no idea that spending would be hard to control. I didn't realize that I had such a problem. Such a dependency. 

So I always give a grade to myself for the Challenge at the end of the month. I guess I have to put it in writing, right? 

GRADE: F  

But because I really believe that I can do this, I plan to try this again in a later month. 

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So now it's JUNE. Phew. 

June Challenge: CROSSING THINGS OF THE LIST

That probably seems broad, but if you'd read any of my earlier blogs you may remember that I have acknowledged repeatedly that I have a hard time seeing things thru.  Isn't that the premise of these 30 Day Challenges in the first place? So, not being much of a completer means I have a lengthy list of things I've said I'm going to do, things I've started to do, things I have set goals to do, things I have bought all the components to do. Yet I've done none. 

To know me is to know my lists. I make lists for everything, I chart and graph and spreadsheet and compare. I love a good list. But more than that, I love to check-cross-X things OFF of the list. So this month is dedicated to completing as many of those as I can. I want to look back at the end of the month and have lines drawn thru many - most - of the list. So, what exactly is on the list? 

THE LIST

• Read the 3 books that I've started in the past 6 months and not finished.
• Set up my sewing table.
• Finish the sewing project pile I started when I decided to become a "sewing machinist."
• Kick start my weight-loss goals by losing 10 pounds.
• Organize the garage. 
• Buy and install wall shelves for the kids' rooms. 
• Frame the photos I printed. 
• Hang the photos I framed (above and the other 12 sitting in my room for the last 6 months). 
• Create a gym calendar and then do what it says. 
• Move the extra items out of the kids' rooms.
• Set up the arts & crafts table and area for the kids. 

It is not lost on me, by the way, that today is June 7th, not June 1st. Continuing in the vein of honesty, I can only say that I have been working on the June Challenge, but I have not been truly CHALLENGING myself. 

So far I have read 1 1/2 books and lost 1 pound. Blech. 

But I think part of it was being really disappointed in myself for my May performance. And wanting to avoid pushing myself to grow because of that disappointment. 

So now that it's out there, there is no avoiding. All in. Head first. Both feet. 

HERE GOES. 

#39: TWO WEEKS?!?!?!?!

2 weeks??? It's been 2 weeks since I last blogged?? I don't know how that happened, but I'm pretty sure I know why. 


I've been a bad girl. And not in the fun way that I've been a bad girl for most of my life. I've been spending-money-bad. DangIt!


I am surprised to find that this is the hardest of the Challenges that I have done so far. Going into May I expected it to be difficult but in a different way. I expected it to really challenge me that I couldn't go shopping for the kids, buy myself a new pair of heels, buy gifts for people. I thought I'd get thru the small items like coffee, eating out, snacks. 


Not so much. 


Other than a brief brush with Target on Friday where I really wanted to buy all the adorable toddler clothes, summer sandals and unnecessary electronics that I laid my eyes on, I have been fine about not spending. I've said no to going to the movies, buying shoes, Charming Charlie's. I've paid for kitchen-fulls of groceries so that I'd have no need to eat out. I've avoided dozens of spending opportunities. 


And yet I've definitely spent. I was good for awhile. Really good. But then I caved. And it's just spiraled. I liken it to when you go out drinking and you avoid the bathroom because you know what happens once you break the seal. Well ... I broke the seal. And once it was leaking, I think my mentality became "well, I've spent, so what's the point in being totally tight-walleted?" And a little bit of "Maybe if I just don't tell anyone." 


So it was the coffee at Coffe Bean or The Coffee Cup when I hadn't left time to make it at home in the morning. It was the stop at the soda shop for a real soda-jerk sods on my way to an appointment when I "needed a quick break." It was the stop at a drive-thru for a meal when I'd been on the run for 14 hours and still hadn't eaten. It was buying the kids something to eat because we were on the road and they were hungry.


That spiraled into the mp3 download on Amazon without thinking of what I was doing. It spiraled into a couple of books on my new Kindle from The Boy. My kids and my man were really keeping me honest. But the seal was broken. 


And yesterday I was called out on my spending and I immediately began with the excuses: "It wasn't for me." "She was hungry." "It was just the one." No matter what they were, they were excuses and they are no good. I knew I was being bad. I knew I was making bad choices. I knew I was hiding it. 


But I lost control this weekend. Last night I bought the kids & neighbor-kids delivery pizza. This morning I bought breakfast on the go for everyone. In between the 2 night games we watched my nephew play in, we went to dinner. At a restaurant. 


I'm so annoyed with myself. And so confused at why this is difficult. I don't have that answer, but I'm sure it has something to do with whatever also has me unable to control my eating. I heard once that people who struggle to control their weight, struggle to control their money. I'm beginning to believe that's true. 


So this blog is about outing myself. 


And caulking the leak.


I'm back on the wagon ... No spending on unnecessary items.