#40: Failure of epic proportions

So, first of all, HELLO JUNE!!! 

May sucked. The May Challenge sucked. I sucked at the May Challenge. I epically, royally failed it. I haven't failed one out right until this last one. And it didn't make me feel great. And instead of blogging to get it out there, I recoiled. I wanted nothing to do with the blog or the Challenge or anyone's *tsktsk*ing or even any encouraging words. 

Bottom line, I started spending and once I started, I lost control. I had a lot of excuses, reasonings, blame and more than anything else, I had a lot of "it's-okay-that-I-spent-money-on-such-and-such-because-at-least-I-didn't-spend-any-money-on (fill in the blank)." Boo.

I really knew it was a problem when I realized that I was avoiding telling my kids and The Mister (formerly "The Boy" until someone confused that moniker for my son and I realized that I should probably find a new one!) about spending, sneaking things, buying things as a secret, making up stories about how I got things or throwing things in the garbage before I got home so I left no trace. Let's just be brutally honest: I was showing full-blown addict behavior. To be clear, I don't say that lightly.  

I happen to be sure that I have what is called an "addictive personality." I have a hard time with moderation for anything I like or that makes me feel good. I tend to consume in excess, or not at all. It's funny to say that because I also tend DO things to a neurotic-perfection, or not at all. I like things cleaned and organized to a tee and if I don't have the time to do it perfectly, then i just don't do it. And sometimes it takes days, and piles of mess, until I have the time. I work productively and effectively non-stop for 10-12 hours or I barely put in 6. I used to drink excessively, but now I drink one drink a month at most. Usually not even that much. Unfortunately, I'm the same with shopping/spending money and eating. 

I liken it to addiction because I have my spending under control as long as I don't spend. At all. I have my food-habits under control as long as I'm totally regimented about it. But if I spend a little, or give myself a treat, I lose control. It becomes a little here, a little there, a little more there, a little more here. Suddenly: full-blown, out-of-control spending or eating habits. I am not someone who can just have a little. I can't have just one bite. I can't spend just $10. I can't allow myself just one treat. I can't just buy myself just a soda at the restaurant. 

It will probably come as absolutely no shock, then, that I say that my biggest struggle with the May Challenge was NOT EATING OUT. I mean, what better way to indulge both habits then to pay-for-food. Helllllooooooooo!!! And that is how my problem began. I bought a drink at the drive thru (no food, just a drink; I mean, "I'm driving around all afternoon running errands and I'm thirsty and have nothing to drink. What am I supposed to do? This makes it a necessity, right??"). Then I was shopping for actual, real necessities and saw something else I wanted. It was only $3 and I told myself it was a necessity. Besides, I was alone, so who else would know? 

Then it was over. I was eating out, buying food, buying things. At some point I just decided that it was done. That I was done. I was fully out of control, spending on everything, full-shopping trips for the kids, a pair of shoes for myself, out to eat with friends, etc. etc. on and on. In fact - I mean, I might as well out myself completely, right? - the last weekend of the month I took The Kids out of town for the weekend and 1) paid for a hotel room that we didn't need because not only does The Bestie live there, The Favorites do too and not 5 minutes from where I needed to be all weekend; 2) I upgraded to a new hotel that cost more for nights 2 & 3 because I didn't like the first one enough; 3) I bought things for everyone over the weekend; 4) I ate out. For every meal. Including one very-fancy, very-pricey meal. 

Total, epic, catastrophic failure. 

I was introduced towards the end of the month to a book by Chris Prentiss called The Alcoholism and Addiction Cure. I have a lot of opinions about the book and disagree wholly and completely with some pieces, including a couple of pieces that are major tenets of the book (ahem, "Cure," ahem). Buuuuut, some it rang so totally true for me - and for many people I know. Some of the physiological information was fascinating. Some of the narrative and experiential information was spot-on for me. And, I must say that the general theory that dependency is a symptom of a problem, not THE problem, is something I have believed true about behaviors and addiction or dependency, for a long time. It makes total sense to me that we exhibit behaviors and have dependencies based on a need to escape/self-medicate/compensate our real issues. Were you abused, neglected or abandoned as a child? Were you raised in an environment where you heard repeatedly that you were not good enough? Do you lack self-worth? Is your value wrapped up in something you can't control or achieve? Do you see yourself thru a false filter? Did you suffer a tragedy or loss of someone important? If you have a yes or two - or five - in there, do you feel better about yourself or the situation, do you feel less, can you escape your feelings when you drink/get high/shop/eat/cut/have inappropriate sex/engage in risky behavior? 

After reading that book - or most of it because I readily admit to having skipped some chapters of no import or assistance - and then re-reading a few of the more enlightening chapters, I believe I have dependency issues around spending and eating. I use them to celebrate the exciting moments in my life and I use them to comfort the negative moments. I get a coffee or comfort food when I'm stressed or upset. I go out to eat to celebrate all sorts of different events or milestones. I buy myself or others presents when I'm sad or hurt. I treat myself to gifts when I'm celebrating accomplishments or significant days. 

And, most upsetting in all of this realization was that I'm teaching these behaviors to my kids. When The Princess is having a bad day, I offer her a treat I know she likes. When the kids finished the school year, we went out to eat to celebrate. When it's someone's birthday, I shower them with dinner out and lots of gifts. When someone isn having a particularly difficult time, I offer solace in food or shopping. I mean, GET A GRIP. 

So one of the other great takeaways from the book is the idea that we have to choose to deal with things in a different manner. 

• It's important that when I'm headed for the drive thru to get a coffee or buy a warm cookie, I have to ask myself out loud WHY. Am I feeding an emotion or am I hungry? 
• When I want to head the car in the direction of shopping, I have to stop and talk to myself out loud to determine WHY. Am I upset? Am I emotional? Am I stressed? Or do I need this item? 
• When I'm headed to the restaurant or store to celebrate something for one of The Kids or The Mister, I have to stop myself and identify - out loud - whether this event/accomplishment/milestone could be celebrated in another manner. 

I have to say that I've been doing this but it is HARD. If I'm being honest with myself in those moments, I know that it will mean I don't get to fill my needs with food or spending. That can make it hard to be honest. But it gets easier each time. And eventually it becomes the habit. 

I had no idea that this Challenge - or any of the Challenges, really - would have this much impact on me. I had no idea that spending would be hard to control. I didn't realize that I had such a problem. Such a dependency. 

So I always give a grade to myself for the Challenge at the end of the month. I guess I have to put it in writing, right? 

GRADE: F  

But because I really believe that I can do this, I plan to try this again in a later month. 

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So now it's JUNE. Phew. 

June Challenge: CROSSING THINGS OF THE LIST

That probably seems broad, but if you'd read any of my earlier blogs you may remember that I have acknowledged repeatedly that I have a hard time seeing things thru.  Isn't that the premise of these 30 Day Challenges in the first place? So, not being much of a completer means I have a lengthy list of things I've said I'm going to do, things I've started to do, things I have set goals to do, things I have bought all the components to do. Yet I've done none. 

To know me is to know my lists. I make lists for everything, I chart and graph and spreadsheet and compare. I love a good list. But more than that, I love to check-cross-X things OFF of the list. So this month is dedicated to completing as many of those as I can. I want to look back at the end of the month and have lines drawn thru many - most - of the list. So, what exactly is on the list? 

THE LIST

• Read the 3 books that I've started in the past 6 months and not finished.
• Set up my sewing table.
• Finish the sewing project pile I started when I decided to become a "sewing machinist."
• Kick start my weight-loss goals by losing 10 pounds.
• Organize the garage. 
• Buy and install wall shelves for the kids' rooms. 
• Frame the photos I printed. 
• Hang the photos I framed (above and the other 12 sitting in my room for the last 6 months). 
• Create a gym calendar and then do what it says. 
• Move the extra items out of the kids' rooms.
• Set up the arts & crafts table and area for the kids. 

It is not lost on me, by the way, that today is June 7th, not June 1st. Continuing in the vein of honesty, I can only say that I have been working on the June Challenge, but I have not been truly CHALLENGING myself. 

So far I have read 1 1/2 books and lost 1 pound. Blech. 

But I think part of it was being really disappointed in myself for my May performance. And wanting to avoid pushing myself to grow because of that disappointment. 

So now that it's out there, there is no avoiding. All in. Head first. Both feet. 

HERE GOES.