2 weeks??? It's been 2 weeks since I last blogged?? I don't know how that happened, but I'm pretty sure I know why.
I've been a bad girl. And not in the fun way that I've been a bad girl for most of my life. I've been spending-money-bad. DangIt!
I am surprised to find that this is the hardest of the Challenges that I have done so far. Going into May I expected it to be difficult but in a different way. I expected it to really challenge me that I couldn't go shopping for the kids, buy myself a new pair of heels, buy gifts for people. I thought I'd get thru the small items like coffee, eating out, snacks.
Not so much.
Other than a brief brush with Target on Friday where I really wanted to buy all the adorable toddler clothes, summer sandals and unnecessary electronics that I laid my eyes on, I have been fine about not spending. I've said no to going to the movies, buying shoes, Charming Charlie's. I've paid for kitchen-fulls of groceries so that I'd have no need to eat out. I've avoided dozens of spending opportunities.
And yet I've definitely spent. I was good for awhile. Really good. But then I caved. And it's just spiraled. I liken it to when you go out drinking and you avoid the bathroom because you know what happens once you break the seal. Well ... I broke the seal. And once it was leaking, I think my mentality became "well, I've spent, so what's the point in being totally tight-walleted?" And a little bit of "Maybe if I just don't tell anyone."
So it was the coffee at Coffe Bean or The Coffee Cup when I hadn't left time to make it at home in the morning. It was the stop at the soda shop for a real soda-jerk sods on my way to an appointment when I "needed a quick break." It was the stop at a drive-thru for a meal when I'd been on the run for 14 hours and still hadn't eaten. It was buying the kids something to eat because we were on the road and they were hungry.
That spiraled into the mp3 download on Amazon without thinking of what I was doing. It spiraled into a couple of books on my new Kindle from The Boy. My kids and my man were really keeping me honest. But the seal was broken.
And yesterday I was called out on my spending and I immediately began with the excuses: "It wasn't for me." "She was hungry." "It was just the one." No matter what they were, they were excuses and they are no good. I knew I was being bad. I knew I was making bad choices. I knew I was hiding it.
But I lost control this weekend. Last night I bought the kids & neighbor-kids delivery pizza. This morning I bought breakfast on the go for everyone. In between the 2 night games we watched my nephew play in, we went to dinner. At a restaurant.
I'm so annoyed with myself. And so confused at why this is difficult. I don't have that answer, but I'm sure it has something to do with whatever also has me unable to control my eating. I heard once that people who struggle to control their weight, struggle to control their money. I'm beginning to believe that's true.
So this blog is about outing myself.
And caulking the leak.
I'm back on the wagon ... No spending on unnecessary items.
I've been a bad girl. And not in the fun way that I've been a bad girl for most of my life. I've been spending-money-bad. DangIt!
I am surprised to find that this is the hardest of the Challenges that I have done so far. Going into May I expected it to be difficult but in a different way. I expected it to really challenge me that I couldn't go shopping for the kids, buy myself a new pair of heels, buy gifts for people. I thought I'd get thru the small items like coffee, eating out, snacks.
Not so much.
Other than a brief brush with Target on Friday where I really wanted to buy all the adorable toddler clothes, summer sandals and unnecessary electronics that I laid my eyes on, I have been fine about not spending. I've said no to going to the movies, buying shoes, Charming Charlie's. I've paid for kitchen-fulls of groceries so that I'd have no need to eat out. I've avoided dozens of spending opportunities.
And yet I've definitely spent. I was good for awhile. Really good. But then I caved. And it's just spiraled. I liken it to when you go out drinking and you avoid the bathroom because you know what happens once you break the seal. Well ... I broke the seal. And once it was leaking, I think my mentality became "well, I've spent, so what's the point in being totally tight-walleted?" And a little bit of "Maybe if I just don't tell anyone."
So it was the coffee at Coffe Bean or The Coffee Cup when I hadn't left time to make it at home in the morning. It was the stop at the soda shop for a real soda-jerk sods on my way to an appointment when I "needed a quick break." It was the stop at a drive-thru for a meal when I'd been on the run for 14 hours and still hadn't eaten. It was buying the kids something to eat because we were on the road and they were hungry.
That spiraled into the mp3 download on Amazon without thinking of what I was doing. It spiraled into a couple of books on my new Kindle from The Boy. My kids and my man were really keeping me honest. But the seal was broken.
And yesterday I was called out on my spending and I immediately began with the excuses: "It wasn't for me." "She was hungry." "It was just the one." No matter what they were, they were excuses and they are no good. I knew I was being bad. I knew I was making bad choices. I knew I was hiding it.
But I lost control this weekend. Last night I bought the kids & neighbor-kids delivery pizza. This morning I bought breakfast on the go for everyone. In between the 2 night games we watched my nephew play in, we went to dinner. At a restaurant.
I'm so annoyed with myself. And so confused at why this is difficult. I don't have that answer, but I'm sure it has something to do with whatever also has me unable to control my eating. I heard once that people who struggle to control their weight, struggle to control their money. I'm beginning to believe that's true.
So this blog is about outing myself.
And caulking the leak.
I'm back on the wagon ... No spending on unnecessary items.
You know, if you were going to break down it could have been the weekend I was there! Well, at least your not keeping it a secret anymore. The first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem. Or something like that. I wouldn't know, I don't have any problems...
ReplyDelete*you're, not your
DeleteJust wait - I'm back on the proverbial wagon and coming up for the whole weekend next week. So once again, no spending. My bad.
ReplyDelete