Finishing projects has made for an interesting Challenge. Try taking something you struggle the most with and then forcing yourself to do it. For 30 days. I realize that is what I built "Challenged: 30 Days At A Time" on, however it was one Challenge at a time, too. Then I go and make my one Challenge for the month to do multiple things that I already couldn't complete the first time I started them.
It's like facing past-failure daily. For 30 days.
Ugh.
Why is it that people I have such a hard time with finishing things? I wish I could blame it on my childhood: "Listen, it's not my fault! I was NeverTaughtDidn'tHaveModelingSufferedTrauma." But that's just an excuse - and it isn't even true. It's just a matter of MotivationLazinessGettingMyAssInGear.
The bare truth is that I just want to do whatever I want to do. And if what I want to do doesn't include "get things done," then just eave me alone and stop pressuring me!!!
But as nice as it sounds to make my weekend to-do list to "balance" my work week by being all about nothing: "1) Play, 2) Have Fun, 3) LayAround, 4) Laze About, 5) Only Do Things I Want To," when I see a pile of dishes in the sink for 3 days in a row, I realize that I'm not just doing "things I want to," I'm avoiding doing the things I need to.
It really isn't that complicated. There really aren't any good excuses. It's about as straightforward as it can be. What am I trying to make it more than it needs to be? In the words of The Mister:
Get It Together
That's all it boils down to. Why is getting it together so much harder than it should be?
I made a list of 11 projects to complete in June and 16 days in I really should be farther along than I am. And really, if I spent one full day working on them, I'd probably be done. But the reality is that I don't have "one full day" to do anything and this is supposed to be about learning to incorporate things into my life. So little-by-little progress needs to be made.
I do love the pressure of crunch-time tho. I'm the girl who crammed for tests in high school and college. I'm the girl who had a month to complete projects for work and did them in the final 24 hours. I'm a procrastinator - but I like to call it "better under pressure."
But I am succeeding in some areas:
- I've read 4 books - 2 from the project "read the 3 books I've started in the last 6 months and not finished," and 2 new ones.
- I've lost 4 pounds - good progress towards the project "kick start my weight-loss goals by losing 10 pounds."
Wow - not much. Almost seems like instead of doing my projects, I've been reading. Figures that I would swing the pendulum so far from NOT DOING CRAP to OVER DOING CRAP.
I did take a stab at a third project: "set up my sewing table." Buuuuuuuut ... the table I was going to use I had already to given to someone else, which I'd forgotten. Like an idiot. So now I either have to buy a new one or figure something else out from what I already own. And, no, in fact, I did not realize I had given it away and then decide to solve the problem with a new solution, I just tabled the project gave up.
Seriously, the laziness is astounding.
This weekend I'm hoping to tackle more projects and have put 5 on my to-do list thinking "I'll get these done and those will lead to be able to get two more of the projects done throughout the week. Unfortunately, tho, I think packing too much in and making goals that are too large is part of my problem. Instead of such an ambitious list for someone who clearly has a hard time finishing things, maybe I should make it smaller and then add to it if I'm getting things done and finding the motivation to keep the ball rolling.
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PREVIOUS setting-myself-up-for-failure LIST:
- Buy sewing table.
- Set up the sewing table.
- Frame printed photos.
- Hang framed pictures.
- Create a gym calendar.
NEW small-victories-lead-to-bigger-victories LIST:
- Buy sewing table.
- Hang framed pictures.
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Can we talk about something else while we're here??
This weekend is Father's Day.
It's been almost 2 1/2 years since I lost my dad. I often can't believe it's been that long. I've really shifted in my grieving from being unbearably sad and lost 90% of the time right after his passing, 10% of the time. I have found that much of what people said to me about grief and loss in the days following is true: the pain and hurt never goes away, but it gets easier. It does get easier.
In January, I got thru the 2-year anniversary of his death without tears. It was a somber day and I was sad, but I wasn't a mess.
In February, I got thru his 60th birthday. Altho, in retrospect, I'm not sure how much of that I can take credit for. I was in the hospital sick that day, barely coherent, and not with it enough to be aware of myself, much less the significance of the day. Thinking back on it shortly after, I wondered if that was less coincidental than it seemed at first.
I had a little hiccup when The Teenager graduated middle school in late May. Dad would have been so proud and his absence didn't go unnoticed.
In fact, I think what makes me sad isn't the anniversaries of his birth, marriage or death. It is the celebration of my children's and my own accomplishments. I know he would be so proud of my career, my happiness, my life in Austin, my relationship. He would be even prouder at each new year of his grandchildren's lives, their soccer games, cheerleading competitions, their report cards, first days in new classrooms, their football games, their music lessons, their travels around the world.
And now, tomorrow, we celebrate fathers around the world. In this house we will celebrate the amazing father my children have been blessed with. A father who has changed his life and himself to be a part of their daily world. A father who teaches them new things every day and who they are blessed to have present for every laugh and every tear. We will shower him with love, appreciation, attention, gifts and "whatever you want to do today" attitudes.
And while we are celebrating, I will quietly pay respect to the grandfather - their Papa - my father who is absent. I have looked for ways to honor him at each milestone, significant day, anniversary. I have celebrated him in many ways since we lost him - mostly external ways. I wear a pendant filled with his ashes around my neck most days. We have eaten at restaurants he liked to take the kids to. We have visited places in town he liked to go. I have cried. I have slept away the day. We have talked about what we loved about him.
All great ways to honor him. This year, tho, I need something more private, more personal. This year I need to celebrate him in way that's just between him and me.
This year I'm going to write him a letter.
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Now, to find that table ...
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