#12: I'm So Annoying

Uhhhhhh ... apparently it's been 4 days since I last blogged? I'm not sure how that happened. It certainly didn't feel like it was that long. I'm not going to run you thru every detail of the past 4 days because -- well, let's be honest, there is NO WAY i could possibly remember that much information. Especially not when I didn't even realize that much time had passed. And, now that I'm saying that, I am remembering when I started thinking about a blog I wanted to write every day or every other day because of this exact situation. I used to have a memory like an elephant, but now I just have the ass of one. And the memory of a fish. (And, yep, fish definitely have bad memories. Google it.)

CURRENT MEMORY SITUATION

BEFORE

AFTER

Clearly I've gotten off track. Both in my documenting and in this post. 


So ... 


Day #20, #21, #22 & #23, January 20-23:


In lieu of a day-by-day report even, let's just hit the highs and lows.

• I ate a great salad from a restaurant 75 miles away so it's unlikely I'll be eating it again soon. But it did remind me that I love a good salad and despite having all the fixin's at home, I'm not making them. I think I need to buy a dressing I love because, let's be honest, that's really what makes a good bowl of raw veggies into an amazing meal. 
• I had a low on Friday night where I went thru a fast food drive thru to get the 3 boys in my house a snack and, weakened by exhaustion and emotion, I bought myself a burger meal. Yes, a fatty, on bread, with fries meal. BUT ... one bite in, I knew I didn't want it and thru the $7.00 in the trash. Outside. Good for me. 
• Chaos and a jam-packed schedule, followed by being really sleepy mid-afternoon left me barely-fed on Saturday. And yet, unhungry. But I packed up the kids + neighbor child and headed out to eat because the "barely-fed" issue also left me without energy. We ate out and I ate some carbs, but am pretty sure I stuck right around my max daily intake of 20g. I was kind of impressed with myself because the combination of being under-nourished and out to eat where someone else can wait on me and make my food usually tempts me into The Dark Side. 
• Personal trauma drama that set a huge pit in my stomach all day Sunday (that remains today, in fact) has left me without the slightest appetite. This means I haven't eaten poorly, but I also just haven't really eaten. 
• An expensive shopping trip to Costco to stock the house up on groceries and toiletries means I have good-for-me foods that I can pick up quickly as I'm headed out the door (the usual time I notice I'm in need of food). One of my favorites: Kellogg's Fiber Plus Bars. They have the maximum amount of carbs I can take in in January for the Challenge, but that's okay with me. They are good, they work for before or after a workout or an afternoon snack. And once it's February, I can have one of those plus another 20g each day. 

So ... that's the deal. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The bigger issue I'm dealing with right now is the a fore-mentioned "trauma-drama." I'm dealing with some personal life stuff and have found myself feeling at a crossroads on more than one large issue. If we are being totally forthcoming here - and "we" are because it's not we, it's just me - I over-think, over-analyze and obsess about these type of things until I can find myself at the solution. I don't do well at "we'll just see," or being in the grey area. I am someone who can deal with any situation I'm in or am given. But I just don't handle well not knowing what the situation is. I find myself desperately needing resolve. 

Right now, there is no resolve and that means there is high-anxiety, huge distraction from work, no appetite, the inability to do anything that requires attention to be productive. 

I am not in the place to process on a public blog, but nonetheless, the processing must be done. Knowing myself, the processing won't be too long because I can't live in this space for more than a few days. I'm driving myself crazy which must mean I'm driving others crazy too. I can't be successful like that so that let's me know there is hope around the corner! 

Proud-of-myself-despite-the-stress Moment: I'm not emotion-eating. 

See you soon.

#11: Guuuud Lawwwd

Day 18 was off to a great start: I decided to go to work. Not in an existential, "every thing is a choice" way, just in a "I need to go put out some fires so I guess I better get my ass out of bed" way. That might have been the last good choice I made.

I didn't work out.

I didn't eat breakfast.

I skipped our all-staff meeting to work at my desk.

I ate lunch at 3pm.

I ate dinner at 8pm - and I ate a bowl of leftover meatloaf.

I ate TWO sugar-free jells for dessert.

WHAT WENT WELL:
... I ate and I didn't eat anything bad for me.


WHAT WASN'T SO HOT:
... Did you see the list? I mean it was like a blue-print of what NOT to do. No breakfast? I already know when I don't eat breakfast it slows my energy and metabolism for the whole day. NO gym? I already know that no exercise always leaves me feeling more sluggish and less motivated to eat well. No food at all until 3pm? I don't think I even need to explain that. A bowl of meat for dinner? Really??

^^^Right here ^^^is my struggle.

What did I DO that was horrible? I didn't gorge on candy, I didn't get a Big Mac, I didn't eat 5000 calories. But I never do really. And when I do from time to time have a horribly, over-indulgent day, I balance it well with not doing it again for months. It's really about what I DIDN'T DO. And that is what it always comes down to.


I have days where I feel like I just don't have the energy ... or the drive ... or motivation ... nor do I really "care" about the goal ... so I just don't focus on it. But per my previous posts, and more than one of them, at that, I know that when I do better, I do better. I wish I didn't have those lulls. Or maybe I just wish that I understood what causes them. And I wish that I didn't need to get all the way thru them in order to recognize them. 


I think I'm going to add to my focus for the last 12 days of this month and this challenge: 

1. Pay attention to my self. 
2. Note when I'm unmotivated to "do better" so that I can refocus and DO BETTER. 
3. Commit to getting up and taking care of what I KNOW I need to even when I don't want to.

Short and to the point for today. 

Mostly because I need to go DO BETTER. Right now.