#34: Unfocused, Distracted, and Unfocused

Not eating meat means I am not getting nearly enough protein. Not eating nearly enough protein means I'm EXHAUSTED. I don't really miss meat terribly, but I miss energy. For that, I can't wait to get through the next 11 days. 


Things I'm looking forward to when I'm UIM (Under the Influence of Meat):

• I won't forget the sentence I uttered 10 seconds prior
• My answers to question like "Is Dad eating with us?" won't result in answers like"No, he's already here." 
• I will be able to stay awake past 6pm. 
• I will be awake late enough to blog. 
• I will care about food because I will be able to enjoy more than the taste of cheese, roasted veggies and hummus.
• I won't smell like a rotation of falafel and indian spices. 
• I won't wake up at 4:45am each day so hungry I can barely get to the kitchen fast enough.
• I won't think Pop Tarts sound like a good snack.
• Chips and salsa won't be an acceptable meal. 
• Going out to eat will be significantly more satisfying.
• I will be more focused and less likely to take 10 minute breaks between words.
• It won't take me 3 hours to type 40 lines. In a blog. About myself. And my daily experiences.
• I'll be able to complete a shopping trip without forgetting what I went to the store for.

Now let me be honest about some other revelations from the 19 days of this Challenge, and especially the past 11 days since my last blog entry:

• I have barely eaten. It's funny because altho I don't "miss" meat, I'm not so interested in a lot of other things. Plus, my kids aren't so much supporting this Challenge. At least they aren't showing solidarity by doing it with me. So, when I cook meals like Ribs, sausage stuffed mushrooms, corn and yams, it makes dinner boring. Corn and yams aren't enough. 
• I have very few things that I feel like I can't manage without. I'm too tired to eat half the time, I'm too tired to care about the television or the computer or my phone. In fact, I leave my phone in my purse or at home all the time. Clearly the lack of energy makes me a shitty friend. 
• Food is really way too much of a comfort for me. When I'm exhausted, I want to go get something bad for me. When I'm angry, I want to go get something greasy. When I'm stressed or anxious, I want to go get a latte. When did that happen? Was I rewarded with food as a kid? Were treats for good behavior edible? I'm not sure, I don't recall. But, I know I need to get that in check. 
• Am I creating that same problem in my kids too? I realized yesterday, when I rewarded them for volunteering with frozen yogurt, that I might consider finding something else as prize for things that have been good or even when they've had a hard day. It's our job to create habits in our children. It's our job to create happy, healthy, sane, productive habits. 
• Early this month I started counseling. Or, rather, I RE-started counseling. And, man, THANK the GOOD Lord for that! I tried to start in March, but I ... let's just say I didn't mesh with the woman. Plus she was always late - both to start and end our time. Late = enemy. But a few weeks ago I found this great counselor who is just my speed. I am already feeling relief and I look forward to a few weeks from now. 

I feel like I should have more to say. I feel like there should be something significant that has happened given the time that's past since I last wrote. It seems like, given how hectic my home life and my work life have been, that I should be able to fill pages and pages and pages. Instead I feel totally distracted and unfocused.

Maybe it's the exhaustion. From the lack of protein.