Obsessive Some Days, Compulsive Others.

Today it's compulsive.

And right on schedule. 

March Challenges have a theme: How to Knock Out OCD in 31 Days. 

Now, If I pull this off, therapists around the world can pay me for tips to help their clients. I've decided to attack my neurosis head on this month because, well, what better time to than now? So, in March it's:

(1) Stop biting & picking at my finger nails and cuticles, and 

(2) Lose 10 pounds.

I have a thing about my anxiety and my compulsive & obsessive tendencies - they are a motor inside of me and I cannot control them. I try to ignore them most of the time, but when I am stressed, overwhelmed and/or emotional, I lose control of it. Those tendencies also worsen for me under extremes of emotion, stress and stress. They are part of my coping mechanism and they make me feel crazy.

I have come to recognize that instead of ignoring them, I should tackle them. So here is what's up:

I tend to pick at the skin on my finger tips, my cuticles and my nails. I pick more when I'm stressed or anxious. It's compulsive - I don't even recognize that I'm doing it. That is until I've picked one layer too far and drawn blood or made my skin raw. It's horrible. And painful. And ugly. And because it's something I do un/subconsciously, I want to try to recognize it and see the triggers and get them under control.

The weight loss is a little different. I mean, it's a clear and straight forward desire to lose weight. BUt the goal comes from my throwing around a lot fo diet and exercise goals that I could do and deciding against everyone of them because I can't do them perfectly. The obsessive side of OCD causes me to do nothing if I can't do it perfectly, all the way, best, 100%. As I considered each potential Challenge, I knew they would be something I would struggle with. And so I've continually done nothing because I'm paralyzed by this need to do it perfectly.

I decided that I would try a broader goal of losing 10 pounds. How I get there is not the focus, and therefore there isn't anything to obsess over. I just have to get to goal. I feel much better about it and I think it will help me launch a more specific goal around it in April.

I realize I didn't write anything down on March 1 as a starting point, including that I didn't put up any numbers of pictures. But I have made so much progress on both. SO MUCH. I'm very proud of my progress actually, which is why I decided to find the 10 minutes to get on the computer and write.

Goal #1: STOP BITING & PICKING AT MY FINGER NAILS AND CUTICLES:

LEFT HAND - 

notice good growth (there was NONE at the beginning of the month) 

and only minor picking at the skin.

RGHT HAND - 

notice good growth, worse picking

especially on the thumb

But trust me when I say that this is good progress. 

Goal #2: LOSE 10 POUNDS. 

It's the 10th and I've already lost 6 of the 10 pounds I set the goal for. I'm hoping this means that I will blow the goal out of the water!!!!

So, yes, emotional, exhausting, a little crazy0feeling. But good. Good progress, good being aware. Good is good. 

Breakfast - CHECK. Lunch - CHECK. Meditation - notsomuch

This was probably the easiest and hardest Challenge for me. I guess since it's the 24th of the the month, I probably shouldn't start talking about it completely in the past tense, BUUUUUUUUUUT ... there are only 4 days left in the month and I have definitely kicked ass and mastered one of the TWO Challenges I set up, and the other kicked my ass and mastered me. 

This month was the first double Challenge and I selected (1) to eat breakfast & lunch every day and (2) to practice 30 minutes of meditation daily. Probably fair to note that about 36 hours in I moved the 30 minutes down to 15 in hopes of being able to meet the Challenge. In the end, I've eaten breakfast and lunch EVERY SINGLE DAY of the month  - very proud of myself for that; and I haven't done a single formal minute of meditation. I did have a lot of quiet times or alone times where I tried to clear my head, but the truth is I was never really putting myself in the right environment to truly be meditating. It was never a purposeful thing. 

I'm not sure if part of the struggle was having two Challenges going at the same time, or if the struggle was specifically with the Challenge of meditation - or more importantly - taking 15-30 minutes to myself with nothing else going on. I'm really bad at that, and I've been really bad at that for years. I can often find myself as much as an hour of alone time (and by "alone" I mean the kids are asleep) - but it's often hard to find quiet personal time versus time where I'm folding laundry, cleaning up, vegging out to turn my mind off. I rarely find quiet, solo time where there are no responsibilities ... and where I am awake. 

The "where I'm awake" is probably the biggest problem I'm having these days. I've been working stooopid long hours and am so tired at the end of the day that I'm crashed out before I can even make the quiet time with which to meditate. Right now, I'm contemplating trying this Challenge again in March. This wasn't just hard for me, I really didn't even figure out how to wrap my head around the Challenge. 

One of the things that was different about this months Challenges was that BOTH of them came from other people suggesting that I should do those things for myself because I'm bad at taking care of myself. Bad at eating enough, sleeping enough and taking enough time for myself to refresh. 

Again, not sure if maybe part of why I struggled was that both of the Challenges were about taking care of myself. And since I'm so bad at that, maybe having two going simultaneously was just too much. Maybe I needed to ease into self-care a bit more. Maybe it was the having two in general. Maybe it was what the two were. I don't know WHAT the issue is, but I obviously didn't master this one. 

As proud as I am for flawlessly eating breakfast & lunch and actually giving my body regular nutrition, in some ways, I might be more appreciative of the one I'm failing miserably at because it's showing me a real weakness in my self these days. I know for sure one of the two Challenges for March - focused around exercise which I definitely need to get back into the regular habit of - but now I need to figure out what it is I need for my second. Should I restart the meditation/self-care? Should I make it around spending? Should it be about better sleeping habits? Should I try something one of my co-workers is doing and feed my family from a food budget equivalent to food stamps ($31.50/person/week)? Should it be about fun or being outdoors? 

I need to think about that - and in the meantime, I need to go get lunch planned out.