Breakfast - CHECK. Lunch - CHECK. Meditation - notsomuch

This was probably the easiest and hardest Challenge for me. I guess since it's the 24th of the the month, I probably shouldn't start talking about it completely in the past tense, BUUUUUUUUUUT ... there are only 4 days left in the month and I have definitely kicked ass and mastered one of the TWO Challenges I set up, and the other kicked my ass and mastered me. 

This month was the first double Challenge and I selected (1) to eat breakfast & lunch every day and (2) to practice 30 minutes of meditation daily. Probably fair to note that about 36 hours in I moved the 30 minutes down to 15 in hopes of being able to meet the Challenge. In the end, I've eaten breakfast and lunch EVERY SINGLE DAY of the month  - very proud of myself for that; and I haven't done a single formal minute of meditation. I did have a lot of quiet times or alone times where I tried to clear my head, but the truth is I was never really putting myself in the right environment to truly be meditating. It was never a purposeful thing. 

I'm not sure if part of the struggle was having two Challenges going at the same time, or if the struggle was specifically with the Challenge of meditation - or more importantly - taking 15-30 minutes to myself with nothing else going on. I'm really bad at that, and I've been really bad at that for years. I can often find myself as much as an hour of alone time (and by "alone" I mean the kids are asleep) - but it's often hard to find quiet personal time versus time where I'm folding laundry, cleaning up, vegging out to turn my mind off. I rarely find quiet, solo time where there are no responsibilities ... and where I am awake. 

The "where I'm awake" is probably the biggest problem I'm having these days. I've been working stooopid long hours and am so tired at the end of the day that I'm crashed out before I can even make the quiet time with which to meditate. Right now, I'm contemplating trying this Challenge again in March. This wasn't just hard for me, I really didn't even figure out how to wrap my head around the Challenge. 

One of the things that was different about this months Challenges was that BOTH of them came from other people suggesting that I should do those things for myself because I'm bad at taking care of myself. Bad at eating enough, sleeping enough and taking enough time for myself to refresh. 

Again, not sure if maybe part of why I struggled was that both of the Challenges were about taking care of myself. And since I'm so bad at that, maybe having two going simultaneously was just too much. Maybe I needed to ease into self-care a bit more. Maybe it was the having two in general. Maybe it was what the two were. I don't know WHAT the issue is, but I obviously didn't master this one. 

As proud as I am for flawlessly eating breakfast & lunch and actually giving my body regular nutrition, in some ways, I might be more appreciative of the one I'm failing miserably at because it's showing me a real weakness in my self these days. I know for sure one of the two Challenges for March - focused around exercise which I definitely need to get back into the regular habit of - but now I need to figure out what it is I need for my second. Should I restart the meditation/self-care? Should I make it around spending? Should it be about better sleeping habits? Should I try something one of my co-workers is doing and feed my family from a food budget equivalent to food stamps ($31.50/person/week)? Should it be about fun or being outdoors? 

I need to think about that - and in the meantime, I need to go get lunch planned out. 

And Despite It All, Still I Struggle

The problem, you see, is that I absolutely canNOT figure out how to be good to myself. 

Even more so, I really can't answer the inevitable follow up question of "Why?"

                  But ... 

                         as I always say: "If I'm being honest ... "

today is just as good a day as any to try to figure that out ...

WARNING!!!! 

This will likely become a trip into the dark corners of my mind.

The problem that I'm currently pondering -- okay, yes, I said I'd be honest. Let's start over. 

The problem that I'm currently obsessively over-analyzing:  

[[How can I be so painfully self-aware that I am remarkably skilled at identifying my "areas of growth" and yet equally remarkably bad at knowing how to solve them? 

And, PART II: How is it that for those issues that I have been able to figure out the solution to, I find myself impressively incapable of following the solution through to self-improvement?]]

It genuinely bothers me, this fact about myself. If any one of my friends, a family members, my children, my co-workers or staff, or even some random unknown who is reading this, were to bring to me an area of their life with which they were unhappy, dissatisfied and wanting to improve, I would be 

"amazing" to them.

"so smart, thanks."

"helpful."

"appreciated."

And that would feel great. It would give me a nice little boost. It is accurate to say that I am skilled at reserving judgement, listening past the words and seeing the root issue. I can quickly reflect what has been said to me back to the person, having shaved off the top-layer, publicly-presented piece and spit out all sorts of "that's just they way you exhibit behaviors - maybe the real problem is ..." 

In fact, I can do that for myself too, often. Not always, but often. At the very least, I can absolutely tell you when something is just my presentation and no the real issue. What I often struggle with is identifying for myself what the underlying issue is. Some examples? Sure, I have dozens.

I do not take care of myself - at the most basic levels of sleep, eat, sweat. 

I don't take alone time for myself.

I work too many hours. 

I don't delegate tasks or ask for help. 

That probably deserves double mention: 

I DON'T ASK FOR HELP.

I give to others, even when I know I don't have any to spare.

I make goals - even completely attainable goals - that I don't meet. 

I don't have a well-balanced diet. 

I don't work out - even tho I LOVE to sweat and get exercise. 

I'll stop there, but it should be noted: that list took me less than 2 minutes to spout out and was absolutely NO stretch to my mind to come up with. Imagine what  could do given a little thought and 6 minutes!!

But the pattern I've really come to recognize - and have highlighted to myself over many of these 30 Day Challenges - is that I have a really hard time finishing things. This is an across-the-board issue. I have a hard time finishing things that are HARD for me and that are stretching me. I have a hard time finishing things that are EASY for me too. I have a hard time following pretty much anything that will make me better, help me, make life easier, make me healthier all the way thru. 

• I struggled with the May2012 Challenge of spending on necessary things only. This was a definite stretch for me because I like to shop or go out to eat, especially when I'm tired or emotional. And even tho I knew I wasn't missing out on much by not spending excess cash, I felt the need to spend. 
• I struggled with the August2012 Challenge of P90x daily. This one was easy because I'd already been doing it for 6 weeks, but suddenly, once it was in the front of my mind and a goal was attached, I fell off. 
• I struggled to finish the January2013 Challenge of no cell phone use. That one was really easy for me, but I still had a hard time finishing. I really REALLY loved not having it, yet once I broke the seal and had to have it around for work, I started to struggle to stay off it. 

But even outside of the Challenges - when I want to change something about myself, when I see something that I need to change even if I'm not dying to change it - I find struggles. 

I spend money on things like it's habit even after I've resolved to myself to put money away. 

I get take-out for dinner for the family even after I've done a big Costco trip and the house is loaded with food so that we won't need to eat out. 

I see my reflection in a window and don't like what I see, know I should hit the gym, 

even WANT to go workout because I love dripping sweat.

I like the feeling I get knowing I'm working hard.

I like the exhaustion from a good self-imposed ass-kicking. But then I don't go. 

 I'm holding my eyes open with toothpicks at 6:30pm because I've been up since 4:30am. 

But then I lay around on phone apps, TV, household chores, etc. until midnight. 

And the next morning at 4:30, I'm pissed at myself. 

As I drag-ass out of bed, I resolve "tonight I'll go to bed early."Do I? Nope.

And you can just copy & paste that whole scenario to the next day because I do it again. 

And copy & paste it again. And keep doing that until a day (like I had this past week) 

where I cannot physically stay awake and am passed out in bed by 7:00pm like an old lady. 

As I'm driving into work in the morning, myself how much I like to write. 

I think about that travel journal from Fall 2011 that I wanted to turn into a book.

I think about the short stories I want to write. 

But by the time I'm home that evening, I've forgotten/lost the motivation.

I feel a nagging to read more because I love it when I'm reading.

I read voraciously. I buy books and ebooks because I'm loving it so much. 

And then I don't pick a book up for weeks or months. 

But I want to. And I know I want to. 

And there it is. THE QUESTION. 

The pattern above is that I want to. I genuinely WANT to. I also know I need to. And then I don't. Or I do, but I stop. I don't finish. I want to be smarter about eating. I want to find myself in the gym or doing P90X. I want to sleep more. I want to work less. I want to keep my car clean. I want to steam the carpets. I want to frame and hang the new pictures I've printed. I want to make my lunches the night before. I want to bake more. Cook more. 

And then I don't do it. And I'm annoyed with myself. I'm bothered. I get frustrated or down on myself. I hate those things about me. Or at least I hate that I can't follow through. That I don't do everything that I can to get better, be better. 

And maybe part of what bothers me so much about this is I don't do this in EVERY facet of my life. Just where I want to personally improve or enhance. Where I want to make personal growth or betterment. In areas that I know will make me happier, healthier. 

Because I'm absolutely great at making professional growth goals. At making personal goals that involve my kids or family. I make those regularly. I meet them all the time. I work at getting better, doing better at work. I meet all sorts of deadlines, goals, deliverables, measurables, etc., etc. and on and on. I excel at work. I'm certainly significantly farther into my career than many people my age. 

But I'm significantly farther behind in my personal life. 

And despite it being something I think about - 

something I over analyze -

something I obsess over - 

something I want to do better - 

something I know I need. 

Despite Writing about it now, in the past, or again in the future. 

Despite ALL OF THAT, I still struggle. 

I struggle to understand why I can't follow through. 

Why I can't meet these goals. 

Why I allow myself not to be my best. 

WHY. 

Obviously, I don't know why or I wouldn't be asking the question. I can say that when I know the why, I'm a great problem-solver and it's clearly time for me to be my own problem-solver. 

It's time to give myself the same service I've given others - even when I knew I wasn't giving it to myself. 

So, so what, I don't know why. But I'm going to find out. 

So, I don't have the answer. I haven't been able to identify the root. 

But I will.  It's time to pull out my shovel and start digging. 

Self-Care is Not My Biggest Strength

Despite my lack of entries, I'm fully aware it's February. 

January didn't finish with quite the BANG that I had hoped for, but for someone who lives with her phone attached to her person, I think I did pretty well. It definitely made its way out of hiding a more than it should have, and I gave it to my boss' demands for its use during work hours, but generally speaking ... it was a pretty un-telephoned month. Just ask the dozen or so people that I owe texts to still. 

February, tho, I am really liking. This is the first month of two Challenges, and on January 31st, I changed what one of the Challenges was going to be so I felt a little thrown into the month. 

For February I'm
1. EATING BREAKFAST AND LUNCH EVERYDAY
2. TAKING 15 MINUTES FOR "MEDITATION" DAILY

I can absolutely say that I'm rocking the breakfast thing. I've also eaten my lunch each day, however it's sometimes a little later in the day than it's meant to be - does 3pm still count as "lunch" if it's only the 2nd time you've eaten? I'm struggling a little more with the meditations, to be honest. 

BREAKFAST
Well, for starters, I was delivered a stock-pile of Starbucks ready made breakfast sandwiches which made breakfast much easier for the first week. I didn't have to put any work in, I ate one each morning with my coffee. Now I'm going to have to work a little harder at it, so we'll see how I keep up. 

What I've noticed most about eating breakfast -- I'm starving most of the rest of the day. Yesterday I was already on my 1st snack by 10:00am. I get that eating breakfast is like "throwing a twig on fire instead of on a log." That makes sense, but for years my problem with breakfast has been that I'm just never hungry in the morning. Add to it that I drink coffee - appetite suppressant. Add to it more that I take a medication each morning that has "appetite suppressant" as a side-effect. But once in the hustle of the day, I'd often not eat anything before 6 or 7 at night. My body has been unhappy, my energy was at 0. 

So now, hungry. Body is burning food. I'm eating. And because I'm planning out most of it by taking lunch, I'm eating good stuff I like. 

This will probably be easy to keep up.  



LUNCH
So my problems with lunch have been:
1. Not hungry,
2. Too busy, 
3. Don't remember to pack it, 
4. Don't have extras at work, 
5. Don't take the time to go get food while at work. 

Bottom line, I eat lunch even less often than I eat breakfast, which is NEVER. 

For the last 6 days, I have had a mid-day meal. I have taken my lunch to work 3 of the 4 days, I ate lunch each day at home over the weekend, I bought lunch yesterday when all I brought with me from home was yogurt and lunch meat. 

What I need to do this weekend, is fill my extra fridge in the garage with lunch foods so I can fill my lunch bag in the morning without too much time/energy/creativity. 


MEDITATION
This is where I suck ass. <-- That's an actual literary phrase. Be impressed. 

I started February trying to do 30 minutes a day. But that wasn't happening. Ever. 

I was really trying to tell myself that the drive to work for 20 minutes in the morning and/or afternoon was good alone time. And that the 20 would be good enough. 

But the idea is pure alone time. Nothing I have to do with my body or mind as a distraction. Just think, write, be at peace, practice daily meditation scripts, etc. And that isn't something I'm doing well. The best I've got is 20 minutes in the car to think about things that I think I should be thinking about. 

So, I have a renewed focus on this. I need to spend the time - starting with 15 minutes and trying to work my way to 30. The "meditations" can be anything that gives me mental focus: exercise, writing, thinking, scripts, music. But the point is to be alone, be in quiet surrounding, and be actively thinking. 




Now the question is: Can I make my self-care enough of a priority to follow thru with this?